HAMMOND ACTION NEWS

CHRISTMAS LIGHT SHOW A MASSIVE DISAPPOINTMENT

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Unapologetic residents and members of one of Hammond’s most elite subdivisions, Contrails Place, are offering “partial refunds” to those who attended last night’s Christmas Near the Airport lights display after technical difficulties seriously threatened the Holiday spirit.

“Admittedly, the theme of this year’s Christmas light show, Hurricane in December, seriously limited our resources,” said a spokesperson from the office of neighborhood C.E.O. Amanda Foley-Harris. 

Visitors who paid a $9-per-vehicle fee to witness what was widely advertised as a Christmass spectacle were instead treated to non-radiant sandbag luminaries and noisy generators which drowned out the children’s holiday choir. 

“We’re very upset,” said Aaron Cooper, a resident of Tickfaw who usually brings his family to Zemurray Park during the Christmas season. “If it weren’t for all those lights at the airport, the neighborhood would have been completely pitch black. Not to mention, they had run out of MRE hot chocolate by the time we arrived.”

In a press release issued this morning by its public relations committee, the subdivision apologized for the night’s disappointments but refused to back down over its artistic expression.

“While we admit that it is incredibly difficult to turn a sandbag into a luminary, we feel that our decision to give out miniature bottles of Tabasco in place of the hot cocoa represented a fair compromise for our customers,” read the press release.

Editor’s Note: Due to the world’s failure to end on December 21, 2012, HAN has resumed publication. We would like to remind our readers that the end is, in fact, very near, and they should repent for their sins or soon face a fiery eternity in hell.  Thank you.

NEW EVIDENCE IN TICKFAW COCKFIGHTING SCANDAL

TICKFAW, Louisiana — A spokesman for the Louisiana Game Fowl Breeders Association says that new evidence will prove Tickfaw cockfighter Kurt Carter rewarded his roosters for ‘cart-offs’ and ‘whacks’ which purposely injured opposing fowl.

Locals are denying the allegations which will mar next year’s International Cockfighting Championship, currently scheduled to take place at Tickfaw’s world-famous cockfighting arenas.

While the majority of Americans know little about cockfighting, investigators are closely considering the cockling controversy before fans of the world’s most popular sport descend on Tickfaw in 2013.

“The LGFBA is keeping pretty tight-lipped on the whole thing,” said Pete Panepinto,  the newly appointed president of the Hammond Cocks Association. “I’ve personally reviewed the evidence in question, and sadly its usage of chicken scratch is unquestionable.” 

Carter refused to comment to HAN, but he has reiterated his innocence on Twitter despite last month’s leak of a recorded video which most argue incriminates the Tickfaw native.

You can view the video here, but please note that it contains offensive language which may be inappropriate for younger viewers.

“Quite frankly I find it appalling that a gamecock would embrace the unsportsmanlike behavior of trying to harm his fellow rooster,” comments one YouTube user. 

Carter currently faces heavy fines and a lengthy ban.

HAMMOND IS WORLD’S CLEANEST CITY FOR ETERNITY

HAMMOND, Louisiana — For the ninety-fifth year running, the American Foundation for the Blind has awarded the coveted “World’s Cleanest City for All Eternity” designation to the City of Hammond.

“Explore the historic Lincoln Park neighborhood on foot, go bird-watching in Zemurray Park, or place your mouth to the surface of Ponchatoula Creek and taste its flowing waters,” reads Mayor Mayson Foster’s official proposal which enticed judges during their visit last week.

To celebrate, Hammond will throw a summer-long celebration which will culminate with the construction of a permanent landmark and tourist attraction.

Emulating the British capital’s giant “London Eye” ferris wheel, Hammond will erect a permanent, enlarged version of the Zipper, a popular amusement thrill ride, on the grounds of Cate Square in downtown Hammond.

“This thing will be seen for miles, and it will last forever. Whenever they want, Bobby and Sally and Mom and Dad can experience strong vertical G-forces from the safety of a metal cage some eighty to ninety feet in the air,” explained Foster. “If they can successfully orientate themselves, they’ll be able to take in the beauty of this magical city.” 

Unlike the London Eye, which moves at a speed less than 1 mph and takes 30 minutes to complete a full revolution, the Hammond Zipper will run on coal power and “will move twice as fast [as regular Zippers] for twice as long,” said the mayor, who also heads the one-man Hammond Zipper Engineering and Construction Committee. 

The project is expected to be completed by July 4.

HPD ON THE BEAT: APRIL 19, 2012 

The following is a report of Sgt. Dean McSputnik of the Hammond Police Department’s Downtown Secret Patrol Unit (DSPU), conducted April 19, 2012.

0800 hrs. Met up with Officer Brock Vanni down at the station for briefing. The Chief says that there have been a number of cell phone snatchings in the downtown area over the last few weeks. I tell the Chief, “Not on my watch.” He chuckles, takes a sip of his coffee (black), and tells us to get the hell out of his office.

0830 hrs. We decide to take the Durango and set up undercover in the parking lot across from Mariner’s Inn. I love a good stakeout.

0930 hrs. No activity to report. Vanni and I pass the time by talking about HPD possibly relocating to the old Hancock Bank building. I point to a room on the second floor. “That’ll be my office some day,” I says to Vanni, “If I could just catch this cell phone thief.”

1100 hrs. A couple of black kids on skateboards pass to our left, heading south. “Shouldn’t these punks be in school?” asks Vanni.  One of them is wielding an iPhone. Looks like a 4G, possibly a 4S. My gut tells me “this is our guy.” I tell Vanni to get ready to move. Just then my phone rings. It’s my wife. She’s going into labor. “God damnit, not now,” I tell her, hanging up the phone. I’ve got a city to protect. 

1200 hrs. Turns out our suspect is clean. The iPhone (3G) is his. I’m sure to catch hell for this from the brass. Anyway, time for lunch.

1215 hrs. Mariner’s Inn. While we’re there we notice a couple of guys, either Muslims or Mexicans (couldn’t tell), ordering food. I don’t like it. 

1430 hrs. Vanni and I have spent the past hour sitting outside PJ’s, hoping to catch a perp in the act of snatching a phone. We’ve got nothing. Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I notice a red ‘97 Honda Civic turning right on red onto West Thomas Street. Only thing is, there is NO turn on red allowed at this intersection. Let’s move!

1435 hrs. We flash our lights. The red Civic pulls off in Lee’s parking lot. I tell Vanni to keep put, but to stay frosty. I have a funny feeling about this one. This could be my big break. I’ve got one hand on my glock, and my trigger finger feels a little itchy, if you know what I mean. I slowly approach the car. The window rolls down for what feels like an eternity. Whew. It’s Sgt. Patterson, off duty. We crack some jokes, and he goes on his way.

1530 hrs. I receive word over the scanner that my wife has just had a little girl. I call my lawyer. I tell him to prepare the divorce papers. 

1630 hrs. Vanni and I return to the station. The Chief chews me out over “the little stunt I pulled” with the black kid and the iPhone. “Can’t you tell the difference between the 3G and 4S,” he yells. He tells me I’m under too much stress, that I need to take the night off to go visit my wife in the hospital.

1730 hrs. I head to Rotolos for a cold one. “There’s no smoking in here,” the barkeep tells me. This kid has no idea what I do for a living. “My daughter was born today,” I shout with a tear in my eye. I order a round of shots for the bar. Besides a few tables of families sitting around eating pizza, I’m the only one there. Where are my boys at? 

2300 hrs. I drive to my ex’s apartment off Wardline Road. She lets me in, but only because I’m “too drunk to drive home.” Things get a little dicey when I hear her boyfriend’s pickup pull into the gravel parking lot. I’ve never met the guy, but she says he treats her right. The front door swings open, and it’s Vanni. What the? He sees me and drops the bag he’s carrying to the floor. Four iPhone 4Gs spill out of it. “You son a of a bitch.”  I pull out my radio and put my mouth to the speaker. I can feel the alcohol on my breath tickling my fingers. I call for back-up.

Vanni makes a sudden move for his side arm. I fire six rounds into his chest. He’s still standing, doing that kind of shaking motion you always see in the movies, so I reload and fire six more. Got him. He drops to the floor like a sack of iPhone 4Gs. I give the ex a kiss on the cheek and get the hell out of there. Let the jokers over at homicide deal with this mess.

“ESTONIAN EXCHANGE STUDENT” IS PETER HAMMOND

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond High Magnet School’s prom king has revealed that a 16-year-old foreign exchange student from Estonia is, in fact, 214-year-old Peter Hammond. 

Matt Gold, 18, officially announced his findings to the student body at prom last Saturday night. 

According to Gold, “a couple of total bonehead freshmen” found Hammond frozen in a block of ice two weeks ago while digging out their parent’s backyard on Olive Street, just yards from where the city’s founder was thought to be buried after his alleged death in 1870. 

The two freshmen, unnamed, have been seen hanging out with Hammond at the mall and Rende’s Quick Stop.

“We were all fooled,” admitted HHMS Principal Chad Troxclair, who mistook Hammond’s thick Swedish accent for Estonian. 

Gold said he made the revelation during a class field trip to the Camp Moore Civil War museum last Friday. 

“He [Hammond] saw the models of Union troops, and he just started freaking out,” said Gold. 

Gold has admitted that his findings have drawn tough criticism. After Gold made his announcement at the prom, Peter Hammond became agitated and threw the three-time prom king face-first into a cake on the refreshments table.

The student body then joined Hammond in performing an impromptu dance number on the gym floor.

VOLUNTEERS REBUILD HOME FOR LOCAL CRIME FAMILY

HAMMOND, Louisiana — After federal authorities seized hundreds of thousands of dollars from Tangipahoa’s favorite bookies last month, area volunteers stepped up to finish the reconstruction of their operations center.

The Buzz, which accidentally burned down the day after last year’s Super Bowl in a definite accident after the biggest betting day of the year, is sure to be filled with area bosses, politicians, and school board superintendents eager to place their bets during its reopening next week, just in time for March Madness.

When leaders from the local chapter of Habitat for Humanity learned that the club’s owner, Timmy “Garage Door” Shinazzi, was in custody and thus unable to make his collections for the month of January, they decided to foot the bill for the club’s reconstruction.

Tam and Bert McDonald of Loranger were among the group of volunteers who showed up to the build early Saturday. “My wife put together the DJ booth,” said Bert, “and I helped install the big walk-in freezers. They sure do have a lot of freezers.”

Jonny “Two Toes” Linguini, who for the past year has been forced to carry out his work from back rooms of Benny’s Place, The Crescent, and the like, was on site Saturday and tearfully offered the volunteers his thanks and protection.

Patrons who plan to attend the March 1 grand opening are reminded that shorts, baggy pants, hats, and bloody clothing are not allowed.

GENTLEMEN MISSING AFTER CLUB CAPSIZES

AMITE, Louisiana — A stripper who abandoned her pole at The Mansion, Amite’s premier gentlemen’s club, has been placed under house arrest at her residence at the Utopia Mobile Home Park off Highway 16.

Mercedes Deplores, who easily weighs over 250 pounds, is currently under investigation for initiating a lap dance in blatant violation of the Mansion’s maximum lap dance weight allowance.

It is believed Deplores’ actions caused the club’s structure to fail, injuring at least fifteen customers.

“I’ve been doing this for 25 years,” Deplores told a reporter from HAN, “You look like you’ve had a long day, baby. Let me help you relax.”

Deplores, who began her dancing career at St. Helena’s Oak Ridge Lounge before becoming a crowd favorite at Visions of Greensburg, says she has dreams of one day opening up her own club.

Meanwhile, search teams continue to look for the six missing men who are believed to be trapped somewhere beneath Mercedes Deplores’ buttocks.

RUDDOCK MUSIC FESTIVAL TO RETURN IN 2012

RUDDOCK, Louisiana — An area businessman has announced that the ghost town of Ruddock will be host to three days of sex, drugs, and “some decent local cover bands” in August of next year.

The town last hosted its music and arts festival in 1969, when Hurricane Cameltoe wiped through the area, leaving a trail of destroyed tents and stages in its wake. Thousands of inebriated festival goers remained oblivious to the widespread destruction, but the music continued for two more days.

“Ruddock experienced a rapid population decline after 1969,” says Jimmy “Jackass” Henderson, a Hammond pub owner who is responsible for the festival’s revival. “These days, it’s just a place where Tangi people drive down to to huff some glue, drop off their broken washing machine, or have unprotected sex. We want to bring people back, but keep all this other shit around.”

Jackass admits that he and his staff have their work cut out for them until August. “We have yet to agree on the pronunciation of ‘Ruddock,’” he told HAN.

Rumored headliners include Mayson Foster and the Bout It All-Stars, Keymonster, and The Roches, who played at Ruddock in 1969.

“I want everybody to come out and celebrate local music,” continued Jackass, “and don’t forget to tip your bartenders. We’ll take photos of you to put on our website. You’ll love it.”

PROTESTORS OCCUPY TANGI SCHOOLS

HAMMOND, Louisiana — A group of 11 year old students at Hammond Westside Elementary School say they plan to occupy Mrs. Gilbert’s fifth grade class for the next several years as long as the current Tangipahoa School System power structure remains in place.

This news comes just days after kindergarteners at Champ Cooper refused to partake in afternoon nap.

After the tittering tots ignored several verbal requests to go to sleep, Superintendent Mark Kolwe gave Ponchatoula PD the OK to restore order in Ms. Raybeaux’s classroom.

Officers stormed the classroom, destroyed book bags, ripped up coloring books, and crushed glue bottles before physically forcing the five and six year old students to take their naps.

Raybeaux described the scene: “One by one, each tot was thrown violently to the floor. The officer would then plant his knee onto the back of the screaming child, beating the back of their head with a riot shield until they finally gave up and went to sleep.”

The action only lasted a few minutes, but Raybeaux said that by the end of it all, her students were all “sleeping like little angels.”

Raybeaux insists that all officers of the Ponchatoula Police Department followed classroom decorum throughout the operation.

D.A.R.E. OFFICER’S EQUIPMENT TO BE AUCTIONED OFF

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff Daniel Edwards has announced that “various tools and duty equipment” once belonging to his former D.A.R.E. officer will be auctioned off at a public meeting to be held in the Southeastern Lab School cafeteria tomorrow evening.

Former Deputy Bud Cason, who until now has dared to resist talking to the media since resigning from his position last March, revealed to HAN, “They found a bunch of my old policeman’s gear in the back of my old D.A.R.E. truck, so they’re going to sell it. I’ll hate to see that stuff go.”

A collection of rubber bullets designed for large-caliber guns, a used inflatable human target with three bullet holes, an 8 oz tube of water-based gun lubricant, an interrogation blindfold, and vibrating “noise canceling” ear plugs are among Cason’s items to be sold at auction.