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July 1, 2013

RAIL CROSSINGS UNDER PARANORMAL INVESTIGATION

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AMITE, Louisiana  The Louisiana State Highway Department has denied its role in last week’s suspicious removal of three railroad crossings in rural Tangipahoa, leaving Parish President Gordon Burgess with only one question: Who ya gonna call?

Members of the Paranormal Society of Ponchatoula arrived at the former crossing at Capace Road early Monday to investigate the area, quickly calling attention to a glowing pink psychomagnotheric slime which parish officials had previously overlooked.

"The slime responds to human emotional states," explained a spokesman for the society. "Its main characteristic is an ability to open portals for ghosts to enter our realm and destroy structures that cost taxpayer dollars."

The Ponchatoula investigators say they plan to spend the night at the crossing for further analysis. 

Explained one of the investigators at the scene before being interrupted by a sudden ghostly encounter, “We have a number of high-tech infrared video cameras and EMF meters which can detect orbs and… wait, what was that sound? Tell me you heard that!”

Burgess has put local authorities on full alert, asking law enforcement to check for pink slime on college campuses, hospitals, and public schools.

May 16, 2012

HAMMOND IS WORLD’S CLEANEST CITY FOR ETERNITY

HAMMOND, Louisiana — For the ninety-fifth year running, the American Foundation for the Blind has awarded the coveted “World’s Cleanest City for All Eternity” designation to the City of Hammond.

"Explore the historic Lincoln Park neighborhood on foot, go bird-watching in Zemurray Park, or place your mouth to the surface of Ponchatoula Creek and taste its flowing waters," reads Mayor Mayson Foster’s official proposal which enticed judges during their visit last week.

To celebrate, Hammond will throw a summer-long celebration which will culminate with the construction of a permanent landmark and tourist attraction.

Emulating the British capital’s giant “London Eye” ferris wheel, Hammond will erect a permanent, enlarged version of the Zipper, a popular amusement thrill ride, on the grounds of Cate Square in downtown Hammond.

"This thing will be seen for miles, and it will last forever. Whenever they want, Bobby and Sally and Mom and Dad can experience strong vertical G-forces from the safety of a metal cage some eighty to ninety feet in the air," explained Foster. "If they can successfully orientate themselves, they’ll be able to take in the beauty of this magical city." 

Unlike the London Eye, which moves at a speed less than 1 mph and takes 30 minutes to complete a full revolution, the Hammond Zipper will run on coal power and “will move twice as fast [as regular Zippers] for twice as long,” said the mayor, who also heads the one-man Hammond Zipper Engineering and Construction Committee. 

The project is expected to be completed by July 4.



February 22, 2012

VOLUNTEERS REBUILD HOME FOR LOCAL CRIME FAMILY

HAMMOND, Louisiana — After federal authorities seized hundreds of thousands of dollars from Tangipahoa’s favorite bookies last month, area volunteers stepped up to finish the reconstruction of their operations center.

The Buzz, which accidentally burned down the day after last year’s Super Bowl in a definite accident after the biggest betting day of the year, is sure to be filled with area bosses, politicians, and school board superintendents eager to place their bets during its reopening next week, just in time for March Madness.

When leaders from the local chapter of Habitat for Humanity learned that the club’s owner, Timmy “Garage Door” Shinazzi, was in custody and thus unable to make his collections for the month of January, they decided to foot the bill for the club’s reconstruction.

Tam and Bert McDonald of Loranger were among the group of volunteers who showed up to the build early Saturday. “My wife put together the DJ booth,” said Bert, “and I helped install the big walk-in freezers. They sure do have a lot of freezers.”

Jonny “Two Toes” Linguini, who for the past year has been forced to carry out his work from back rooms of Benny’s Place, The Crescent, and the like, was on site Saturday and tearfully offered the volunteers his thanks and protection.

Patrons who plan to attend the March 1 grand opening are reminded that shorts, baggy pants, hats, and bloody clothing are not allowed.

January 18, 2012

GENTLEMEN MISSING AFTER CLUB CAPSIZES

AMITE, Louisiana — A stripper who abandoned her pole at The Mansion, Amite’s premier gentlemen’s club, has been placed under house arrest at her residence at the Utopia Mobile Home Park off Highway 16.

Mercedes Deplores, who easily weighs over 250 pounds, is currently under investigation for initiating a lap dance in blatant violation of the Mansion’s maximum lap dance weight allowance.

It is believed Deplores’ actions caused the club’s structure to fail, injuring at least fifteen customers.

Witnesses say they saw Deplores flee the building, leaving her young daughter, Briffney, behind in the club’s nursery. The 36 year old maintains that she was entertaining customers in the VIP lounge.

"I’ve been doing this for 25 years," Deplores told a reporter from HAN, “You look like you’ve had a long day, baby. Let me help you relax.”

Deplores, who began her dancing career at St. Helena’s Oak Ridge Lounge before becoming a crowd favorite at Visions of Greensburg, says she has dreams of one day opening up her own club.

Meanwhile, search teams continue to look for the six missing men who are believed to be trapped somewhere beneath Mercedes Deplores’ buttocks.

December 8, 2011

PROTESTORS OCCUPY TANGI SCHOOLS

HAMMOND, Louisiana — A group of 11 year old students at Hammond Westside Elementary School say they plan to occupy Mrs. Gilbert’s fifth grade class for the next several years as long as the current Tangipahoa School System power structure remains in place.

This news comes just days after kindergarteners at Champ Cooper refused to partake in afternoon nap.

After the tittering tots ignored several verbal requests to go to sleep, Superintendent Mark Kolwe gave Ponchatoula PD the OK to restore order in Ms. Raybeaux’s classroom.

Officers stormed the classroom, destroyed book bags, ripped up coloring books, and crushed glue bottles before physically forcing the five and six year old students to take their naps.

Raybeaux described the scene: “One by one, each tot was thrown violently to the floor. The officer would then plant his knee onto the back of the screaming child, beating the back of their head with a riot shield until they finally gave up and went to sleep.”

The action only lasted a few minutes, but Raybeaux said that by the end of it all, her students were all “sleeping like little angels.”

Raybeaux insists that all officers of the Ponchatoula Police Department followed classroom decorum throughout the operation.

November 15, 2011

D.A.R.E. OFFICER’S EQUIPMENT TO BE AUCTIONED OFF

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff Daniel Edwards has announced that “various tools and duty equipment” once belonging to his former D.A.R.E. officer will be auctioned off at a public meeting to be held in the Southeastern Lab School cafeteria tomorrow evening.

Former Deputy Bud Cason, who until now has dared to resist talking to the media since resigning from his position last March, revealed to HAN, “They found a bunch of my old policeman’s gear in the back of my old D.A.R.E. truck, so they’re going to sell it. I’ll hate to see that stuff go.”

A collection of rubber bullets designed for large-caliber guns, a used inflatable human target with three bullet holes, an 8 oz tube of water-based gun lubricant, an interrogation blindfold, and vibrating “noise canceling” ear plugs are among Cason’s items to be sold at auction.

August 31, 2011

SYSCO AIRLIFT DELIVERS SUPPLIES TO MARINERS INN


HAMMOND, Louisiana — A number of cargo planes dropped at least 10 tons of foodstuffs, alcohol, and various restaurant supplies onto the back patio of Mariners Inn after guards at the newly-constructed “Brady’s Wall” blocked off access to 18-wheelers.

The wall, an expansion of a fence which for years kept customers of Mariners out of the Brady’s parking lot, was erected “to prove that burgers on the east side of our block are better than those of the west,” according to a manager at Brady’s. 

"When I ordered my kickin’ chicken there was no wall,” said one patron of Mariners, “but by the time our food arrived we were completely enclosed in. We had to apply for an exit visa when we were ready to leave. And on top of that we had to wait for the waitress to bring us the bill.”

Brady’s ownership has stated that anyone caught trying to enter Mariners without a permit will be shot. Permits are available at the bar on Thursday nights, which also happens to be College Night: An Authentic Irish Pub Experience.

Traffic on West Thomas Street has remained at a standstill since the wall’s completion late Tuesday. Mayor Mayson Foster says that beginning Thursday, all east-moving traffic on Morris Avenue will be permanently redirected westward to solve the issue.

"Basically we’re going to be having a bunch of traffic moving west with no real possibility of going east," Foster said of his plan. "We want to encourage people to head out west." he added.

August 22, 2011

BROADWATER CAMPAIGN SIGNS TO BE MADE PERMANENT

AMITE, Louisiana — The Tangipahoa Parish Council has approved a proposal to permanently preserve Chris Broadwater’s campaign posters after the October 22 election, no matter the outcome of his campaign to represent House District 86.

The proposal was the brainchild of Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster.

"I was so delighted with his poster’s design that I’d just hate to see them go," said Foster, who proudly displays an original autographed copy of the poster in his own dining room.

"Those brown raccoon eyes get me every time," Foster revealed to HAN.

Parish President Gordon Burgess was so tickled to death by Foster’s proposal that he plans to go to the Governor to see what steps must be taken to make Broadwater the official poster child of the entire State of Louisiana.

August 18, 2011

MAYOR: FLASH MOB DANCERS WILL BE SHOT

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster today warned the public against participating in any sort of sudden or unexpected public dance routine ahead of tomorrow night’s 16th Annual Hot August Night.

"We’ll have sharpshooters placed on the top of the Columbia Theatre and other downtown buildings." Foster told HAN. “Tomorrow night the usual rules of engagement will not apply. I’ve given my orders to the Chief, and those orders are ‘shoot to kill.’” 

Foster’s warning is chilling, but he says it’s especially necessary after a flash mob rocked the campus of Southeastern Louisiana University on the first day of classes Wednesday.

Southeastern President John Crain believes an anti-drinking Christian fundamentalist campus ministry was behind “a sudden bombardment of fifty students uncontrollably jumping and gyrating to the beats of unwholesome European techno music” which resulted in the deaths of 18 students and 3 faculty members.

"Hot August Night usually provides a safe and friendly family atmosphere," Foster continued, "and tomorrow will be no different. We’ve lost too many good men to just let a bunch of fruity kids who like to dance in unison take that away from us. Not on my watch."

August 6, 2011

3 NOT ARRESTED IN BRAWL AT DOWNTOWN BAR

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond Police Chief Roddy Devall has confirmed that three men are not in custody after allegedly failing to participate in a bar fight at the Brown Door early Saturday.

Devall says Charles Swate (W/M DOB 04.04.86), Mark Regent (W/M DOB 12.01.87), and Kevin Johnson (W/M DOB 08.15.87) will neither face first-degree assault charges, second-degree assault charges, nor disorderly conduct citations.

According to witnesses, the three men began the evening with their girlfriends at Painting with a Twist, a downtown establishment where customers paint pictures of fleur-de-lis while getting intoxicated.

"They were moderately buzzed when they showed up here around 11 p.m. for our annual ‘VD at the BD’ ladies night party," the Brown Door’s bouncer told HAN. “I could smell hints of a light alcohol-like aroma on their breaths.”

The men each drank “at least two or three beers” before the bar’s regularly scheduled nightly brawl erupted shortly after 1:45 a.m., said Devall.

"The non-suspects then botched their chance to escalate the brawl further by fleeing outside while all forty-five of the bar’s remaining patrons succeeded in failing at their attempts of abstaining from participation in the fight," Devall noted.