The following is a report of Sgt. Dean McSputnik of the Hammond Police Department’s Downtown Secret Patrol Unit (DSPU), conducted April 19, 2012.
0800 hrs. Met up with Officer Brock Vanni down at the station for briefing. The Chief says that there have been a number of cell phone snatchings in the downtown area over the last few weeks. I tell the Chief, “Not on my watch.” He chuckles, takes a sip of his coffee (black), and tells us to get the hell out of his office.
0830 hrs. We decide to take the Durango and set up undercover in the parking lot across from Mariner’s Inn. I love a good stakeout.
0930 hrs. No activity to report. Vanni and I pass the time by talking about HPD possibly relocating to the old Hancock Bank building. I point to a room on the second floor. “That’ll be my office some day,” I says to Vanni, “If I could just catch this cell phone thief.”
1100 hrs. A couple of black kids on skateboards pass to our left, heading south. “Shouldn’t these punks be in school?” asks Vanni. One of them is wielding an iPhone. Looks like a 4G, possibly a 4S. My gut tells me “this is our guy.” I tell Vanni to get ready to move. Just then my phone rings. It’s my wife. She’s going into labor. “God damnit, not now,” I tell her, hanging up the phone. I’ve got a city to protect.
1200 hrs. Turns out our suspect is clean. The iPhone (3G) is his. I’m sure to catch hell for this from the brass. Anyway, time for lunch.
1215 hrs. Mariner’s Inn. While we’re there we notice a couple of guys, either Muslims or Mexicans (couldn’t tell), ordering food. I don’t like it.
1430 hrs. Vanni and I have spent the past hour sitting outside PJ’s, hoping to catch a perp in the act of snatching a phone. We’ve got nothing. Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I notice a red ‘97 Honda Civic turning right on red onto West Thomas Street. Only thing is, there is NO turn on red allowed at this intersection. Let’s move!
1435 hrs. We flash our lights. The red Civic pulls off in Lee’s parking lot. I tell Vanni to keep put, but to stay frosty. I have a funny feeling about this one. This could be my big break. I’ve got one hand on my glock, and my trigger finger feels a little itchy, if you know what I mean. I slowly approach the car. The window rolls down for what feels like an eternity. Whew. It’s Sgt. Patterson, off duty. We crack some jokes, and he goes on his way.
1530 hrs. I receive word over the scanner that my wife has just had a little girl. I call my lawyer. I tell him to prepare the divorce papers.
1630 hrs. Vanni and I return to the station. The Chief chews me out over “the little stunt I pulled” with the black kid and the iPhone. “Can’t you tell the difference between the 3G and 4S,” he yells. He tells me I’m under too much stress, that I need to take the night off to go visit my wife in the hospital.
1730 hrs. I head to Rotolos for a cold one. “There’s no smoking in here,” the barkeep tells me. This kid has no idea what I do for a living. “My daughter was born today,” I shout with a tear in my eye. I order a round of shots for the bar. Besides a few tables of families sitting around eating pizza, I’m the only one there. Where are my boys at?
2300 hrs. I drive to my ex’s apartment off Wardline Road. She lets me in, but only because I’m “too drunk to drive home.” Things get a little dicey when I hear her boyfriend’s pickup pull into the gravel parking lot. I’ve never met the guy, but she says he treats her right. The front door swings open, and it’s Vanni. What the? He sees me and drops the bag he’s carrying to the floor. Four iPhone 4Gs spill out of it. “You son a of a bitch.” I pull out my radio and put my mouth to the speaker. I can feel the alcohol on my breath tickling my fingers. I call for back-up.
Vanni makes a sudden move for his side arm. I fire six rounds into his chest. He’s still standing, doing that kind of shaking motion you always see in the movies, so I reload and fire six more. Got him. He drops to the floor like a sack of iPhone 4Gs. I give the ex a kiss on the cheek and get the hell out of there. Let the jokers over at homicide deal with this mess.
1 year ago