HAMMOND ACTION NEWS

PEOPLE & PLACES: ROCKEFELLER’S RESTAURANT

with Shhwana and Sandra

Hey y’all. It’s been a good while since our last article. Sandra became a grandmother last October (her son adopted a chinese, I think). She’s been a busy memaw ever since.  Plus I gave birth to a new kid a week or two ago. 

To celebrate life, last weekend Sandra and I decided that a night out on the town was in order. GIRLS NIGHT! Y’all, it was so much fun. You wouldn’t believe.

At first we weren’t sure what we felt like eating. Sandra wanted tacos, and to be honest I had a real craving for some Catfish Charlie’s. That’s when I remembered hearing about Ponchatoula’s new Asian-Mexican-Louisiana-fusion restaurant!

The destination: The new and improved Rockefeller’s Restaurant in the heart of Tangi South.

Our lovely waitress, who was probably chinese, took our order. I made sure to pronounce every word slowly and loudly so she could understand.

We started the evening with some Eggrolls ($6.50), Chipotle Shrimp ($8.25), and something that our waitress recommended called Beef Tatonka N****** ($8.25). I was quite appalled by her crude language, but Sandra quickly reminded me that different cultures are offensive because they’re jealous of our freedom.

Our drinks were served in plastic Coke cups, and we were given paper napkins. This made us feel right at home and helped us relax despite all the foreigner waiters and waitress girls running around the place like the opening scene from The Lion King Movie.

Sandra had the Angus Bone-In Ribeye ($29) for her main course. Unfortunately, the restaurant was out of Cane’s sauce so Sandra had to resort to making her own by mixing ketchup with mayonnaise. 

I couldn’t decide what to get! So I figured what the heck, I’ll order a few dishes for the table and give whatever I can’t finish to Sparky. I had the Pasta del Mar ($17 — a noodly pasta with real life shrimp), an order of Fish Tacos ($12), and the Spice Girl Sushi Roll ($11.25). What a treat!

We waited for our chinese girl to be out of sight before we headed for the door! Phew! Barely made it! 

A little karaoke at the Ponchatoula Pub helped digest all that food!  

See y’all round the Parish & God bless,

S&S

Send us your adventure to schwandra@hammondactionnews.com!

GENTLEMEN MISSING AFTER CLUB CAPSIZES

AMITE, Louisiana — A stripper who abandoned her pole at The Mansion, Amite’s premier gentlemen’s club, has been placed under house arrest at her residence at the Utopia Mobile Home Park off Highway 16.

Mercedes Deplores, who easily weighs over 250 pounds, is currently under investigation for initiating a lap dance in blatant violation of the Mansion’s maximum lap dance weight allowance.

It is believed Deplores’ actions caused the club’s structure to fail, injuring at least fifteen customers.

“I’ve been doing this for 25 years,” Deplores told a reporter from HAN, “You look like you’ve had a long day, baby. Let me help you relax.”

Deplores, who began her dancing career at St. Helena’s Oak Ridge Lounge before becoming a crowd favorite at Visions of Greensburg, says she has dreams of one day opening up her own club.

Meanwhile, search teams continue to look for the six missing men who are believed to be trapped somewhere beneath Mercedes Deplores’ buttocks.

RUDDOCK MUSIC FESTIVAL TO RETURN IN 2012

RUDDOCK, Louisiana — An area businessman has announced that the ghost town of Ruddock will be host to three days of sex, drugs, and “some decent local cover bands” in August of next year.

The town last hosted its music and arts festival in 1969, when Hurricane Cameltoe wiped through the area, leaving a trail of destroyed tents and stages in its wake. Thousands of inebriated festival goers remained oblivious to the widespread destruction, but the music continued for two more days.

“Ruddock experienced a rapid population decline after 1969,” says Jimmy “Jackass” Henderson, a Hammond pub owner who is responsible for the festival’s revival. “These days, it’s just a place where Tangi people drive down to to huff some glue, drop off their broken washing machine, or have unprotected sex. We want to bring people back, but keep all this other shit around.”

Jackass admits that he and his staff have their work cut out for them until August. “We have yet to agree on the pronunciation of ‘Ruddock,’” he told HAN.

Rumored headliners include Mayson Foster and the Bout It All-Stars, Keymonster, and The Roches, who played at Ruddock in 1969.

“I want everybody to come out and celebrate local music,” continued Jackass, “and don’t forget to tip your bartenders. We’ll take photos of you to put on our website. You’ll love it.”

PROTESTORS OCCUPY TANGI SCHOOLS

HAMMOND, Louisiana — A group of 11 year old students at Hammond Westside Elementary School say they plan to occupy Mrs. Gilbert’s fifth grade class for the next several years as long as the current Tangipahoa School System power structure remains in place.

This news comes just days after kindergarteners at Champ Cooper refused to partake in afternoon nap.

After the tittering tots ignored several verbal requests to go to sleep, Superintendent Mark Kolwe gave Ponchatoula PD the OK to restore order in Ms. Raybeaux’s classroom.

Officers stormed the classroom, destroyed book bags, ripped up coloring books, and crushed glue bottles before physically forcing the five and six year old students to take their naps.

Raybeaux described the scene: “One by one, each tot was thrown violently to the floor. The officer would then plant his knee onto the back of the screaming child, beating the back of their head with a riot shield until they finally gave up and went to sleep.”

The action only lasted a few minutes, but Raybeaux said that by the end of it all, her students were all “sleeping like little angels.”

Raybeaux insists that all officers of the Ponchatoula Police Department followed classroom decorum throughout the operation.

D.A.R.E. OFFICER’S EQUIPMENT TO BE AUCTIONED OFF

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff Daniel Edwards has announced that “various tools and duty equipment” once belonging to his former D.A.R.E. officer will be auctioned off at a public meeting to be held in the Southeastern Lab School cafeteria tomorrow evening.

Former Deputy Bud Cason, who until now has dared to resist talking to the media since resigning from his position last March, revealed to HAN, “They found a bunch of my old policeman’s gear in the back of my old D.A.R.E. truck, so they’re going to sell it. I’ll hate to see that stuff go.”

A collection of rubber bullets designed for large-caliber guns, a used inflatable human target with three bullet holes, an 8 oz tube of water-based gun lubricant, an interrogation blindfold, and vibrating “noise canceling” ear plugs are among Cason’s items to be sold at auction.

SYSCO AIRLIFT DELIVERS SUPPLIES TO MARINERS INN

HAMMOND, Louisiana — A number of cargo planes dropped at least 10 tons of foodstuffs, alcohol, and various restaurant supplies onto the back patio of Mariners Inn after guards at the newly-constructed “Brady’s Wall” blocked off access to 18-wheelers.

The wall, an expansion of a fence which for years kept customers of Mariners out of the Brady’s parking lot, was erected “to prove that burgers on the east side of our block are better than those of the west,” according to a manager at Brady’s. 

“When I ordered my kickin’ chicken there was no wall,” said one patron of Mariners, “but by the time our food arrived we were completely enclosed in. We had to apply for an exit visa when we were ready to leave. And on top of that we had to wait for the waitress to bring us the bill.”

Brady’s ownership has stated that anyone caught trying to enter Mariners without a permit will be shot. Permits are available at the bar on Thursday nights, which also happens to be College Night: An Authentic Irish Pub Experience.

Traffic on West Thomas Street has remained at a standstill since the wall’s completion late Tuesday. Mayor Mayson Foster says that beginning Thursday, all east-moving traffic on Morris Avenue will be permanently redirected westward to solve the issue.

“Basically we’re going to be having a bunch of traffic moving west with no real possibility of going east,” Foster said of his plan. “We want to encourage people to head out west.” he added.

BROADWATER CAMPAIGN SIGNS TO BE MADE PERMANENT

AMITE, Louisiana — The Tangipahoa Parish Council has approved a proposal to permanently preserve Chris Broadwater’s campaign posters after the October 22 election, no matter the outcome of his campaign to represent House District 86.

The proposal was the brainchild of Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster.

“I was so delighted with his poster’s design that I’d just hate to see them go,” said Foster, who proudly displays an original autographed copy of the poster in his own dining room.

“Those brown raccoon eyes get me every time,” Foster revealed to HAN.

Parish President Gordon Burgess was so tickled to death by Foster’s proposal that he plans to go to the Governor to see what steps must be taken to make Broadwater the official poster child of the entire State of Louisiana.

MAYOR: FLASH MOB DANCERS WILL BE SHOT

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster today warned the public against participating in any sort of sudden or unexpected public dance routine ahead of tomorrow night’s 16th Annual Hot August Night.

“We’ll have sharpshooters placed on the top of the Columbia Theatre and other downtown buildings.” Foster told HAN. “Tomorrow night the usual rules of engagement will not apply. I’ve given my orders to the Chief, and those orders are ‘shoot to kill.’” 

Foster’s warning is chilling, but he says it’s especially necessary after a flash mob rocked the campus of Southeastern Louisiana University on the first day of classes Wednesday.

Southeastern President John Crain believes an anti-drinking Christian fundamentalist campus ministry was behind “a sudden bombardment of fifty students uncontrollably jumping and gyrating to the beats of unwholesome European techno music” which resulted in the deaths of 18 students and 3 faculty members.

“Hot August Night usually provides a safe and friendly family atmosphere,” Foster continued, “and tomorrow will be no different. We’ve lost too many good men to just let a bunch of fruity kids who like to dance in unison take that away from us. Not on my watch.”

3 NOT ARRESTED IN BRAWL AT DOWNTOWN BAR

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond Police Chief Roddy Devall has confirmed that three men are not in custody after allegedly failing to participate in a bar fight at the Brown Door early Saturday.

Devall says Charles Swate (W/M DOB 04.04.86), Mark Regent (W/M DOB 12.01.87), and Kevin Johnson (W/M DOB 08.15.87) will neither face first-degree assault charges, second-degree assault charges, nor disorderly conduct citations.

According to witnesses, the three men began the evening with their girlfriends at Painting with a Twist, a downtown establishment where customers paint pictures of fleur-de-lis while getting intoxicated.

“They were moderately buzzed when they showed up here around 11 p.m. for our annual ‘VD at the BD’ ladies night party,” the Brown Door’s bouncer told HAN. “I could smell hints of a light alcohol-like aroma on their breaths.”

The men each drank “at least two or three beers” before the bar’s regularly scheduled nightly brawl erupted shortly after 1:45 a.m., said Devall.

“The non-suspects then botched their chance to escalate the brawl further by fleeing outside while all forty-five of the bar’s remaining patrons succeeded in failing at their attempts of abstaining from participation in the fight,” Devall noted.

PRANK SHUTS DOWN SCHOOL BOARD BUILDING

AMITE, Louisiana — Sheriff Daniel Edwards has confirmed that three school board members are now the lead suspects in the vandalism of the Tangipahoa School System Central Office building earlier this week.

Custodians say they arrived to work Monday morning to find the building’s marble floors covered with hot, bubbling tar and “literally hundreds” of rolls of used toilet paper hanging from the Gothic-style ribbed vault ceilings.

“One of the golden toilets was removed from the Superintendent’s private chambers and cemented to the lobby floor,” Edwards added.

The Sheriff refused to release the identities of the three suspects, but comments made by Board Member Brett Duncan on his personal Twitter account may have led authorities to the vandals.

“Never seen Cohea, Al Link, and @SandraBSimmons69 look so nervous b4,” Duncan tweeted after investigators arrived at the scene on Monday.

The vandalism came just days after Federal Judge Ivan Lemelle repeatedly warned school board members not to participate in any pranks to celebrate the end of the school year.