January 2012
2 posts
7 tags
PEOPLE & PLACES: ROCKEFELLER'S RESTAURANT
with Shhwana and Sandra
Hey y’all. It’s been a good while since our last article. Sandra became a grandmother last October (her son adopted a chinese, I think). She’s been a busy memaw ever since. Plus I gave birth to a new kid a week or two ago.
To celebrate life, last weekend Sandra and I decided that a night out on the town was in order. GIRLS NIGHT! Y’all, it was so...
8 tags
GENTLEMEN MISSING AFTER CLUB CAPSIZES
AMITE, Louisiana — A stripper who abandoned her pole at The Mansion, Amite’s premier gentlemen’s club, has been placed under house arrest at her residence at the Utopia Mobile Home Park off Highway 16.
Mercedes Deplores, who easily weighs over 250 pounds, is currently under investigation for initiating a lap dance in blatant violation of the Mansion’s maximum lap dance...
December 2011
2 posts
12 tags
RUDDOCK MUSIC FESTIVAL TO RETURN IN 2012
RUDDOCK, Louisiana — An area businessman has announced that the ghost town of Ruddock will be host to three days of sex, drugs, and “some decent local cover bands” in August of next year.
The town last hosted its music and arts festival in 1969, when Hurricane Cameltoe wiped through the area, leaving a trail of destroyed tents and stages in its wake. Thousands of inebriated festival...
9 tags
PROTESTORS OCCUPY TANGI SCHOOLS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — A group of 11 year old students at Hammond Westside Elementary School say they plan to occupy Mrs. Gilbert’s fifth grade class for the next several years as long as the current Tangipahoa School System power structure remains in place.
This news comes just days after kindergarteners at Champ Cooper refused to partake in afternoon nap.
After the tittering tots ignored...
November 2011
1 post
10 tags
D.A.R.E. OFFICER'S EQUIPMENT TO BE AUCTIONED OFF
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff Daniel Edwards has announced that “various tools and duty equipment” once belonging to his former D.A.R.E. officer will be auctioned off at a public meeting to be held in the Southeastern Lab School cafeteria tomorrow evening.
Former Deputy Bud Cason, who until now has dared to resist talking to the media since resigning from his position...
September 2011
0 posts
14 tags
SYSCO AIRLIFT DELIVERS SUPPLIES TO MARINERS INN
HAMMOND, Louisiana — A number of cargo planes dropped at least 10 tons of foodstuffs, alcohol, and various restaurant supplies onto the back patio of Mariners Inn after guards at the newly-constructed “Brady’s Wall” blocked off access to 18-wheelers.
The wall, an expansion of a fence which for years kept customers of Mariners out of the Brady’s parking lot, was erected...
August 2011
4 posts
8 tags
BROADWATER CAMPAIGN SIGNS TO BE MADE PERMANENT
AMITE, Louisiana — The Tangipahoa Parish Council has approved a proposal to permanently preserve Chris Broadwater’s campaign posters after the October 22 election, no matter the outcome of his campaign to represent House District 86.
The proposal was the brainchild of Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster.
“I was so delighted with his poster’s design that I’d just hate to see them...
15 tags
MAYOR: FLASH MOB DANCERS WILL BE SHOT
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster today warned the public against participating in any sort of sudden or unexpected public dance routine ahead of tomorrow night’s 16th Annual Hot August Night.
“We’ll have sharpshooters placed on the top of the Columbia Theatre and other downtown buildings.” Foster told HAN. “Tomorrow night the usual rules of engagement...
11 tags
3 NOT ARRESTED IN BRAWL AT DOWNTOWN BAR
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond Police Chief Roddy Devall has confirmed that three men are not in custody after allegedly failing to participate in a bar fight at the Brown Door early Saturday.
Devall says Charles Swate (W/M DOB 04.04.86), Mark Regent (W/M DOB 12.01.87), and Kevin Johnson (W/M DOB 08.15.87) will neither face first-degree assault charges, second-degree assault charges, nor disorderly...
May 2011
2 posts
19 tags
PRANK SHUTS DOWN SCHOOL BOARD BUILDING
AMITE, Louisiana — Sheriff Daniel Edwards has confirmed that three school board members are now the lead suspects in the vandalism of the Tangipahoa School System Central Office building earlier this week.
Custodians say they arrived to work Monday morning to find the building’s marble floors covered with hot, bubbling tar and “literally hundreds” of rolls of used toilet paper...
13 tags
ANTI-MAYONNAISE ORDINANCE REJECTED BY COUNCIL
HAMMOND, Louisiana — The Hammond City Council on Thursday evening rejected a proposal by Councilman Jason Hood that would have prohibited mayonnaise from being automatically placed on foods in restaurants located in the historic downtown district.
Mayonnaise has long been the default condiment on burgers and po-boys in local eateries such as Mariner’s Inn, Brady’s, and Lee’s...
April 2011
2 posts
17 tags
VIOLENT DIARRHEA DOWN 25% AT STRAWBERRY FEST
PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Volunteer cleanup crews arriving at the site of last weekend’s Strawberry Festival were turned away and sent back to their nursing homes after event planners grossly overestimated the amounts of vomit and excrement accumulated on festival grounds.
Rescue workers searched porta-potties day and night for diarrhea, the precious resource that local strawberry farmers so...
11 tags
March 2011
1 post
18 tags
JAPAN SENDS AID TO VANDALIZED DOWNTOWN AREA
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Japan is among a number of countries offering assistance to buildings in downtown Hammond which this week fell victim to sprayed graffiti classified by area teen rebels as 8.8 on the coolness scale.
At least 10,000 Japanese relief workers are expected to soon arrive at Cate Square to begin the long process of reversing the devastation.
The ongoing recovery of the vandalized...
February 2011
4 posts
10 tags
WHAT YOU DIDN'T SEE AT TANGI FASHION WEEK
HAMMOND, Louisiana — As haute couture’s biggest week got rolling, Northshore Regional Airport welcomed hundreds of A-list celebs as they poured into town. They came to see what’s hot and what’s not, to see and be seen, and to fill their closets with the very best that high fashion has to offer.
When they’re asked Who are you wearing? at that next big Hollywood gala, you can be sure that...
15 tags
HAN EXCLUSIVE: FIRST LOOK AT PUGH'S SEXY NEW...
HAMMOND, Louisiana — When State Representative Steve Pugh announced last month that he is to receive a kidney transplant due to problems caused by high blood pressure, fans and journalists alike flocked to local hospitals to try to catch a glimpse of the lawmaker’s kidney-to-be.
“In 2011 old kidneys are out and a new kidney is totally in,” revealed Stevez Sonesta, local...
9 tags
NOBEL PRIZE NOD FOR NEILL CORP BOFFINS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Quirky, secretive, and downright cultish they may be, but Hammond’s own Neill Corporation, a major distributor of Aveda salon and beauty products, will be walking the red carpet at this year’s glittering Nobel Prize Award Ceremony.
One Bedico beauty biz insider told HAN, “The people in black have been doing amazing things with their new OKRA, SUMMER SQUASH AND...
12 tags
TANGI FASHION WEEK: FEB 19-26, 2011
JOIN HAMMOND ACTION NEWS IN CELEBRATING TANGI FASHION WEEK! This year’s theme is Flame.
In addition to daily fashion shows, the following BONUS events will also be offered:
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2011 11:30 PM: Celebrity kick-off party at The Buzz, Hammond’s hottest night club! HAN trend tip: volunteer firefighter is IN right now.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011 7:00 AM: Breakfast...
January 2011
1 post
14 tags
DOWNTOWN PONCHATOULA COMES TO LIFE
PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Hay and twine covered the ground in downtown Ponchatoula early Monday as local officials were left scratching their heads at the large amounts of fruits and toys mysteriously piled onto the back of Old Number Three, the locomotive that has served as a popular tourist attraction for the antique city.
“I reckon the smell of sugar plums will be gone by the end of...
December 2010
3 posts
LOCAL JUNKIES REWARDED FOR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Two local heroin users were awarded medals at city hall today to celebrate their recent acts of bravery which prevented a potential public relations disaster for Mayor Mayson Foster.
On Saturday afternoon, Hammond’s “Too Lovely To Litter” welcome sign was toppled by a gust of wind from its permanent spot on SW Railroad Avenue, putting the safety of drivers...
19 tags
100TH ARTICLE REMOVED DUE TO WIKILEAKS CONTENT
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Minutes after publishing its one-hundredth story early Thursday, Hammond Action News was ordered by a federal judge to remove the article for “putting the national security of the United States in danger.”
The article, titled “WIKILEAKS CABLES REVEAL SEXY HAMMOND SECRETS,” quoted several sensitive cables between Hammond City Hall and the Pentagon...
20 tags
TPSO SEIZE LASER WEAPONS AFTER TRAFFIC STOP
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff Daniel Edwards has announced the seizure of several illegal laser-emitting guns after deputies stopped and searched a mini van suspiciously traveling 45 mph in a 45 mph zone.
The driver, Gareth Petero, (WM) 33 of Slidell, was booked at parish jail and charged with 2 counts of illegal possession of laser tag paraphernalia and 1 count of failure to...
November 2010
2 posts
18 tags
SOUTHEASTERN BEGINS DEPORTATION OF CRITTERS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Onlookers passing through the student union on the campus of Southeastern Louisiana University Monday morning were subjected to the cries of hundreds of detained squirrels set to be shipped north later this week to be sold into captivity.
The pilot program, which will save the university an estimated $500,000, could spell trouble for other small animals that call campus...
20 tags
IT'S A PIG STY IN HERE, SAY ANGRY FIREFIGHTERS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Local firefighters were left scrubbing up muddy footprints off the concrete floor at Hammond Fire Station #3 as polls closed Tuesday evening after a rainy day in which voters failed to wipe their feet upon entry into the polling center.
“We’ve never had a problem using this fire station for elections,” said Mayor Mayson Foster, “but I think this time...
October 2010
3 posts
14 tags
MAYOR STRUGGLES WITH "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL"
PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — After a lifetime of dealing with the very sensitive issue, Mayor Bob Zabbia is having to sort out his personal struggle with Ponchatoula City Hall’s controversial “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
“Growing up I knew I was different than the rest of the kids,” Zabbia revealed to HAN in his first interview since making his Italian...
20 tags
AFGHANISTAN MULLS OVER TANGI WITHDRAWAL
AMITE, Louisiana — Afghan President Hamid Karzai’s new strategy in the troubled region of Tangipahoa Parish calls for the continued destruction of meth labs near the St. Helena border, although his top envoy to the area have called the practice counterproductive.
“It’s our livelihood,” said stay-at-home-mom Violet Brock, who in August was forced to abandon her thriving...
16 tags
CHRISTMAS SEASON KICKS OFF IN HAMMOND
HAMMOND, Louisiana — After two days of hard work, Edith Broadway, 102, finished hanging her holiday lights outside her home in Woodbridge Subdivision early this morning, just in time for the Christmas season which officially started in Hammond today.
“I’ve been using these same lights since 1939,” continued Broadway, “My husband brought them back with him after fighting in...
September 2010
1 post
11 tags
ALBERTSONS PLEDGES TO GO GREEN AND GOLD
HAMMOND, Louisiana — After hundreds of locals petitioned the local Albertsons grocery store to promote Southeastern Louisiana University, the general manager has signed off on a multimillion dollar plan that promises absolutely no return on investment but will completely revamp the store to meet the demands of Lions fans.
Albertsons will sign a contract with the University later this week that...
August 2010
4 posts
18 tags
FORTUNES MADE AND LOST AT SLU CASINO NIGHT
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Local firefighters aided a bleary-eyed Junior Matheu off the roof of the University Center early Sunday after a long night of boozing and gambling for a good cause.
Matheu, the Tangipahoa Parish Tax Assessor, was unable to recall what exactly happened on Saturday night as Southeastern hosted the first ever “Guy’s Casino Night” at Twelve Oaks to raise funds...
21 tags
STYSA CONFIRMS HAMMOND BID FOR 2018 WORLD CUP
HAMMOND, Louisiana — The South Tangi Youth Soccer Association today submitted a bid to host the 2018 FIFA World Cup, putting Hammond in contention against the likes of England, Russia, and the United States in hosting the world’s largest sporting event.
In 2009 FIFA President Sepp Blatter quashed rumors of Hammond hosting the tournament, however recent plans to construct a $15.5 million...
16 tags
PORT MANCHAC GETS GREENLIGHT FOR NEW FORT
MANCHAC, Louisiana — The construction of a fort at Port Manchac has been approved after Port President Parker Layrisson secured blankets, cushions, and other materials from BP.
The announcement has come less than a week after BP rejected a proposal to fund an oil cleanup command center at the port.
“We’re happy that our lakes will be getting some kind of protection,” admitted...
22 tags
FAN INSTALLED TO BATTLE SUMMER HEAT
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Summer strolls, morning jogs, and afternoon delights will soon be much cooler thanks to the installation of a large fan on N. Cypress Street.
The project was the brainchild of City Councilman Jason “Good Lookin’ White Boy” Hood, who sketched the fan’s design on a napkin while daydreaming about new inventions during a city council meeting last month.
The fan is set to...
July 2010
3 posts
20 tags
DDD ANNOUNCES HOT AUGUST NIGHT SIDEWALK BAN
HAMMOND, Louisiana — All roads and sidewalks in downtown Hammond will be temporarily closed to pedestrians for next month’s 15th Annual Hot August Night, the Downtown Development District announced on their website Friday.
The move has come after last year’s disastrous art stroll and wine tasting in which participants experienced long delays and heavy congestion on city...
10 tags
TANGI SCHOOL BOARD REPLACED BY PSYCHIC OCTOPUS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — In a shock move, Tangipahoa Parish officials have decided to dispense with the services of the continually controversial School Board.
Parish President Gordon Burgess revealed to HAN his reasoning behind the decision.
“This whole school board deal has us all plumb wore the heck out. On and on and on, with taxes, and magnet schools and districts and segregation and now...
9 tags
WELLS PROMISES TO CRACK DOWN ON ILLEGAL ALIENS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — After long-time political contender Arden Wells qualified Friday to run for marshall in Tangipahoa’s 8th ward, the career candidate vowed to step up operations against the extraterrestrial.
Wells’ pivotal platform is a promise to the electorate to reduce the number of alien abductions in the largely-rural ward.
Despite an increase in unemployment and the discoveries...
June 2010
2 posts
19 tags
MAYOR APOLOGIZES FOR PAPARAZZI ASSAULT
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Mayor Mayson Foster has apologized to the owner of local magazine Tangi Mistress after body-slamming a paparazzo who photographed him mowing his lawn in the early hours of Tuesday morning.
Foster, who for months has secretly cut his grass in the middle of the night to avoid paparazzi, “flipped his shit” when he spotted a photographer hiding behind a garbage can,...
11 tags
PEOPLE & PLACES: CABEL AND MORDICAI
with Shhwana and Sandra
Boy oh boy summer’s here. As we left church on Sunday, Pastor Blaine spent a few minutes with Shwana and I. We sat under the old oak tree and smoked us a cigar with our favourite preacher while we talked about the hot spell. “Girls,” declared the pastor, “It’s as hot as balls out here right now! What are y’all going to do with the rest of your Sunday?” Good Question! It...
May 2010
5 posts
12 tags
NORTH OAKS EXECUTIVES ZERO IN ON NBA STAR
MADISONVILLE, Louisiana — The Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Clippers, and North Oaks Medical Center have emerged as top contenders to sign NBA megastar and potential free agent LeBron James this summer.
Executives at North Oaks have revealed that they are prepared to offer the Cleveland Cavalier a $100-million annual salary, which would be completely funded by Tangipahoa Parish tax dollars.
...
23 tags
REVEALED! MAYOR FOSTER'S SEXY CAMPAIGN SECRETS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — After a Daily Star news article beat local media rival The Lion’s Roar in publishing the earliest details of Mayor Mayson Foster’s re-election intentions this week, Foster sat down with HAN in an exclusive interview to reveal his campaign strategy.
“Two Hammond incumbent [sic] will not seek relection [sic] because they have complete [sic] their term...
8 tags
HAN RECALLS 1 MILLION COPIES OF WEB ARTICLE
HAMMOND, Louisiana — One million copies of a news story posted on Hammond Action News this weekend have been recalled from the internet, after readers became outraged over an expletive used in the article’s headline which was allegedly caused by a typo.
The story, CHARTER CABLE TOTALLY MUCKS MOON, was published digitally at least one million times under a faulty headline in which the letter...
15 tags
CHARTER CABLE TOTALLY FUCKS MOON
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Following a bucket truck accident on Fagan Drive, Charter Communications now admits to “totally fucking up the moon” despite earlier reports from the cable provider suggesting the moon had only suffered a small chip to its upper corner.
Following subsequent questioning from federal agencies, Charter admitted that the moon was totally destroyed and large portions...
27 tags
CITY COUNCIL THANKFUL FOR NIGERIAN BUDGET BOOST
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Recent actions of Hammond City Council President Jason “Good Lookin’ White Boy” Hood involving the transfer of funds from a bank account of the son of a deposed Nigerian dictator will save the city a million dollars, Mayor Mayson Foster told HAN today.
Hood was contacted by Mr. Claudio Moghalu via e-mail two months ago. “I am the son of the late...
April 2010
8 posts
25 tags
OIL SPILL TURNS AREA INTO CELEBRITY HOTSPOT
ROBERT, Louisiana — The community of Robert has taken center stage as it hosts a unified command tasked with dealing with the effects of a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, and Parish President Gordon Burgess is “over the moon” to have his parish play host to a number of important politicians and celebrities.
Governor Bobby Jindal, spotted this morning in Baton Rouge wearing a...
19 tags
MUCH OF HAMMOND REMAINS CLOSED AFTER 4/20
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Drifting smoke and ash from a “420” marijuana festival in Cate Square Tuesday forced the closure of local roads, canceled flights at Hammond Northshore Regional Airport, and left thousands of festival-goers unable to move.
The pall of smoke drifted eastward from historic downtown Hammond as attendees puffed themselves silly during Tuesday’s celebrations.
The...
13 tags
MAYOR FOSTER GUEST STARS IN ‘TREME’
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Mayor Mayson Foster is to guest star in an episode of the HBO series ‘Treme’ scheduled to air next Sunday. In his critically-acclaimed cameo role, Foster plays the part of Chalmette jazz musician Lionel ‘Streetcar’ Desire, the husband of Bourbon Street night club owner Stella Owens. In one of his scenes, which is said to be pivotal to the plot’s development, Streetcar...
18 tags
SEAGAL SUSPENDED, PARTIAL LAW DECLARED
AMITE, Louisiana — News of Steven Seagal’s suspension as Jefferson Parish Reserve Deputy Chief in the wake of sex slave allegations has led to a rapidly spiraling crime wave as the criminal fraternity came to realize the one man crime-fighting superstar had been taken off the streets. As law enforcement in Jefferson became overwhelmed by the mass outbreaks of criminality, officials in Tangipahoa...
18 tags
NEW SELU JAZZ ENSEMBLE CD TARGETS TERRORISTS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — A local jazz orchestra has won a lucrative defense contract from the State Department, supplying a 45-minute jazz album which will be used to augment other interrogation techniques. The Southeastern Jazz Ensemble’s contribution to national security will earn the university upward of $7 million, which will go a long way towards bolstering the school’s ailing finances....
20 tags
AREA GOLF PRO BACK WITH NEW SPONSORSHIP DEAL
HAMMOND, Louisiana — After an extensive course of treatment at a Bourbon Street sex addiction clinic, local golf pro Terry Baldalucci was back at Oak Knoll this week playing in the Pfizer-Gold Club Invitational Tournament. Baldalucci declined an interview at his first game since a scandal last December which cost him a 3-figure sponsorship deal with Albany’s ‘Just Add Gas’ car dealership.
A press...
24 tags
MAYOR OUTLINES CHANGES TO STRAWBERRY FEST
PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Thousands will converge on Ponchatoula for the Strawberry Festival this weekend, but festival-goers can expect radical changes, Mayor Bob Zabbia said earlier this week.
“The harsh winter really hurt us this year, and it’s caused the worst strawberry crop we’ve had in ages,” said Zabbia before unveiling a commemorative banner for the...
18 tags
HADRON COLLIDER REVEALS LOCAL SORORITY GIRL IS...
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Experiments with the $10 billion particle accelerator at the underground CERN laboratory in Switzerland have revealed that a Southeastern student is actually the center of the known universe. Velvet Chimes-Warrington had long suspected that all matter and activity revolved around her toned and tanned frame, but confirmation from the team in Zurich has placed yet another...