HAMMOND, Louisiana — The Hammond City Council on Thursday evening rejected a proposal by Councilman Jason Hood that would have prohibited mayonnaise from being automatically placed on foods in restaurants located in the historic downtown district.
Mayonnaise has long been the default condiment on burgers and po-boys in local eateries such as Mariner’s Inn, Brady’s, and Lee’s Drive-In, leaving customers with no choice but to apply mustard and ketchup themselves.
“I always have to ask the waiter to leave off the mayonnaise,” said Hood, who is known for his slim figure and fierce bi-daily workout regimens. He insists that the high level of fat in mayonnaise is a dangerous risk to the community.
Representatives from churches were on hand at the meeting to dissuade the council from passing Hood’s measure.
“Just because he’s a health nut, he shouldn’t be enforcing his beliefs onto us,” said Randy Hiddick, a youth leader at Immanuel Baptist Church in Hammond. “Sure there are college kids who take it too far, but most of us enjoy mayonnaise in moderation.”
Hiddick said that thanks to the city council, he can “celebrate his Cinco de ‘Mayo’ the way it ought to be celebrated.”
9 months ago
PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Volunteer cleanup crews arriving at the site of last weekend’s Strawberry Festival were turned away and sent back to their nursing homes after event planners grossly overestimated the amounts of vomit and excrement accumulated on festival grounds.
Rescue workers searched porta-potties day and night for diarrhea, the precious resource that local strawberry farmers so desperately seek to use as fertilizer for next year’s strawberry crop.
“We’re obviously devastated,” one local farmer told HAN. “There is no doubt that this disappointment will have a crappy impact on production in 2012.”
The Abita Brewing Company, which uses Ponchatoula strawberries for its popular Strawberry Harvest Lager, promised to send at least twelve tons of St. Tammany’s finest excreta in an effort to aid the needful farmers, but the strawberry growers declined the offer.
“Shit from Mandeville and Covington has no odor,” explained Ponchatoula Mayor Bob Zabbia, “and it just doesn’t have the stink that our strawberries need.”
The Abita feces may not go to waste, however, as the Tangipahoa Parish School Board urged residents to accept the St. Tammany contribution for school use.
The proposed Poo Tax is on the April 30 ballot. If approved by voters, the donated waste will be used to construct bathrooms at Loranger High School, where outhouses have been the norm for the past seventy years.
10 months ago
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Japan is among a number of countries offering assistance to buildings in downtown Hammond which this week fell victim to sprayed graffiti classified by area teen rebels as 8.8 on the coolness scale.
At least 10,000 Japanese relief workers are expected to soon arrive at Cate Square to begin the long process of reversing the devastation.
The ongoing recovery of the vandalized Grace Memorial Episcopal Church was marred with controversy as modern art enthusiasts attempted to halt the clean-up of the historic building after an announcement was made by Hammond Police Chief Roddy Devall on Thursday.
Devall revealed that “some brilliant detective work” led local authorities to suspect that Verb, a world-renowned anonymous graffiti artist and political activist, was responsible for the vandalism.
“To erase this street art would deprive our city of an extremely valuable social expression,” said Morris Mamie, an associate professor of art at Southeastern Louisiana University.
Verb, who for the past several years has spray-painted celebrated works of street art on the walls of distinguished locations such as the Taj Mahal, Anne Frank House, and the International Space Station, tagged his trademark “VERB” signature on the vandalized buildings, Devall told HAN Sunday.
11 months ago
HAMMOND, Louisiana — As haute couture’s biggest week got rolling, Northshore Regional Airport welcomed hundreds of A-list celebs as they poured into town.
They came to see what’s hot and what’s not, to see and be seen, and to fill their closets with the very best that high fashion has to offer.
When they’re asked Who are you wearing? at that next big Hollywood gala, you can be sure that they will be dropping the names of some of Tangi’s top designers.
HAN has been out and about, and aside from the stunning catwalk collections we’ve enjoyed, here’s a few of our favourite moments from the hottest fashion week of the year!
- Our very own Britney Spears and Lady Ga Ga sharing a gallon of frozen custard at a downtown eatery.
- Diddy and Beyonce giving a standing ovation to local designer Montee Lemon as he unveiled his new collection of urban wear, VISI-DRAWERS.
- Mel Gibson talking advantage of two-for-one Tuesday at the Daiquiri Hut. Boy oh boy! Mel must have hollow legs. Those two gallons of pina collada with extra shots disappeared in a trice!
- Travolta and Cage!!! They came to shop for sweaters but ended up in a fist fight as they sought to outdo each other, purchasing abandoned handicraft stores downtown.
- Queen Latifa at Cate Street Seafood Station showing everyone the best way to deal with crabs.
11 months ago
HAMMOND, Louisiana — When State Representative Steve Pugh announced last month that he is to receive a kidney transplant due to problems caused by high blood pressure, fans and journalists alike flocked to local hospitals to try to catch a glimpse of the lawmaker’s kidney-to-be.
“In 2011 old kidneys are out and a new kidney is totally in,” revealed Stevez Sonesta, local celebrity fashion and gossip blogger. “What a fabulous move by the congressman!”
Despite its recency, Pugh’s health situation has already had a big impact on the ongoing Tangi Fashion Week, but the latest trend is causing quite a headache for some.
“We worked throughout the night rebuilding the catwalks,” said one local carpenter, “to make them wide enough to accommodate the dialysis trolleys.”
The hard work paid off in the end, however, as catheter-clad models paraded down the runway with dialysis bags trailing close behind in front of a packed house at last night’s Benson Dermatology-sponsored fashion show at Ponchatoula’s Chesterton Square.
“The congressman has definitely caused quite a stir here this week,” said Parish President Gordon Burgess after the show, sporting a trendy cowboy hat, bolo tie, leather chaps and spurs.
Pugh will undergo the transplant later in the year after his re-election bid in the fall, coinciding with the launch of his new fragrance, Nephron for Him.
11 months ago
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Quirky, secretive, and downright cultish they may be, but Hammond’s own Neill Corporation, a major distributor of Aveda salon and beauty products, will be walking the red carpet at this year’s glittering Nobel Prize Award Ceremony.
One Bedico beauty biz insider told HAN, “The people in black have been doing amazing things with their new OKRA, SUMMER SQUASH AND WATERMELON CONDITIONER. The entire industry is stunned that this could mean an end to high humidity frizz as we know it!”
For the past seventeen months, secret testing has been taking place at various locations throughout Tangipahoa Parish.
Customers at one Pumpkin Center salon, Darleen’s Upper Cuts, Tan and Tattoo, had their tweets followed by industry scientists, and the buzz was soon viral. Neill Corp would be getting the Nobel Prize “Best Head” nomination.
Neill Corp declined a request for an interview with HAN, but off the record, a well placed source told us, “It’s good, it’s really good.”
They added, “The OKRA, SUMMER SQUASH AND WATERMELON POWERMAX NANOTECH ORGANIC CONDITIONER! is what women in the Gulf South have been waiting for, but don’t think for one minute it’s going to turn everyone at the dollar store into Myleene Klass….. ‘cos it sure as shit won’t.”
12 months ago
JOIN HAMMOND ACTION NEWS IN CELEBRATING TANGI FASHION WEEK! This year’s theme is Flame.
In addition to daily fashion shows, the following BONUS events will also be offered:
- MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2011 11:30 PM: Celebrity kick-off party at The Buzz, Hammond’s hottest night club! HAN trend tip: volunteer firefighter is IN right now.
- TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011 7:00 AM: Breakfast gala at downtown Hammond’s very own Yellow Bird Cafe. Followed by FREE bulimic session after-party, 7:30 AM, in the Yellow Bird’s bathroom.
- WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2011 4:00 PM: Downtown Ponchatoula Fashion Stroll. Mayor Bob Zabbia is telling Tangi Fashion Week Ticket Holders that “modern is out and antique is in!” Come take a stroll in trendy downtown Ponchatoula and check out some fabulous old styles on display!
- THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2011 ALL DAY: $11 headshots at Hammond DMV. $8 headshots at Amite DMV.
- FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2011 2:00 PM: Garb Bazaar at Global Wildlife. The wonderful folks at the Uneedus-based animal sanctuary will be selling furs and hides at discounted rates! Don’t miss out!
So stay tuned to Hammond Action News all week for the latest coverage!
12 months ago
PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Hay and twine covered the ground in downtown Ponchatoula early Monday as local officials were left scratching their heads at the large amounts of fruits and toys mysteriously piled onto the back of Old Number Three, the locomotive that has served as a popular tourist attraction for the antique city.
“I reckon the smell of sugar plums will be gone by the end of the week,” said Sam Sterns, the owner of one of the many antique and craft stores in the area.
Sterns discovered several of the scarecrows on display outside her store had been moved around, but nothing had been stolen, she told HAN.
While Police Chief Bry Layrisson attempted to piece together the puzzle of one of the city’s most bizarre occurrences since an Italian-American was elected mayor, one resident claims to have witnessed a group of teenagers simply “pulling a practical joke” around 2 am last night.
This theory was immediately ruled out by Layrisson because city laws require all residents in bed by 9 pm and lights out by 9:30.
“The most plausible explanation is that the there was a big party with scarecrows and dancing clowns and giraffes and marching bands and wooden deer and pumpkin people and gum drops and and…,” exclaimed the police chief as he tried to catch his breath.
Layrisson’s enthusiasm was short lived as word of the so-called pumpkin patch party reached students in nearby elementary schools, whose demands for immediate field trips to the downtown area led to unrest.
The conflict reached new heights as rioting kindergarten students burned their unsigned permission slips on the playground.
Failed attempts by neutral intermediaries to settle an agreement between first graders and school faculty before the end of recess left the police chief no choice but to telephone parents, putting an end to the conflict.
1 year ago
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Two local heroin users were awarded medals at city hall today to celebrate their recent acts of bravery which prevented a potential public relations disaster for Mayor Mayson Foster.
On Saturday afternoon, Hammond’s “Too Lovely To Litter” welcome sign was toppled by a gust of wind from its permanent spot on SW Railroad Avenue, putting the safety of drivers at risk and symbolically ridding the city of its “cleanest city” status.
Raymond LaJuel, 57, of S Spruce Street, and Barry Gutison, 40, of Lee’s Drive In garbage dumpster, were coming off an 8-hour-long heroin high on a public bench about 500 meters away at the time of the incident.
“When the two individuals heard the sign topple over, they proceeded to the area with caution,” read Mayor Foster at the ceremony today. “They headed southbound on Railroad Avenue, crawling on their hands and knees to avoid injury from flying projectiles, and leaving a visible trail of drool to provide emergency responders with a clear, safe route into the disaster zone.”
Half an hour later when the two men reached the sign, LeJuel got into the fetal position, positioning himself in the middle of the highway to divert traffic away from the area, while Gutison stripped down into his underwear next to the railroad track and attempted to flag down an oncoming Amtrak train.
A Hammond police officer arrived at the scene soon after, and he was able to return the sign to its original position.
“This is a Christmas miracle,” proclaimed Foster. “Thanks to these two individuals, Hammond is once again the cleanest city.”
1 year ago
