HAMMOND, Louisiana — Quirky, secretive, and downright cultish they may be, but Hammond’s own Neill Corporation, a major distributor of Aveda salon and beauty products, will be walking the red carpet at this year’s glittering Nobel Prize Award Ceremony.
One Bedico beauty biz insider told HAN, “The people in black have been doing amazing things with their new OKRA, SUMMER SQUASH AND WATERMELON CONDITIONER. The entire industry is stunned that this could mean an end to high humidity frizz as we know it!”
For the past seventeen months, secret testing has been taking place at various locations throughout Tangipahoa Parish.
Customers at one Pumpkin Center salon, Darleen’s Upper Cuts, Tan and Tattoo, had their tweets followed by industry scientists, and the buzz was soon viral. Neill Corp would be getting the Nobel Prize “Best Head” nomination.
Neill Corp declined a request for an interview with HAN, but off the record, a well placed source told us, “It’s good, it’s really good.”
They added, “The OKRA, SUMMER SQUASH AND WATERMELON POWERMAX NANOTECH ORGANIC CONDITIONER! is what women in the Gulf South have been waiting for, but don’t think for one minute it’s going to turn everyone at the dollar store into Myleene Klass….. ‘cos it sure as shit won’t.”
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JOIN HAMMOND ACTION NEWS IN CELEBRATING TANGI FASHION WEEK! This year’s theme is Flame.
In addition to daily fashion shows, the following BONUS events will also be offered:
- MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2011 11:30 PM: Celebrity kick-off party at The Buzz, Hammond’s hottest night club! HAN trend tip: volunteer firefighter is IN right now.
- TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011 7:00 AM: Breakfast gala at downtown Hammond’s very own Yellow Bird Cafe. Followed by FREE bulimic session after-party, 7:30 AM, in the Yellow Bird’s bathroom.
- WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2011 4:00 PM: Downtown Ponchatoula Fashion Stroll. Mayor Bob Zabbia is telling Tangi Fashion Week Ticket Holders that “modern is out and antique is in!” Come take a stroll in trendy downtown Ponchatoula and check out some fabulous old styles on display!
- THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2011 ALL DAY: $11 headshots at Hammond DMV. $8 headshots at Amite DMV.
- FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2011 2:00 PM: Garb Bazaar at Global Wildlife. The wonderful folks at the Uneedus-based animal sanctuary will be selling furs and hides at discounted rates! Don’t miss out!
So stay tuned to Hammond Action News all week for the latest coverage!
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PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Hay and twine covered the ground in downtown Ponchatoula early Monday as local officials were left scratching their heads at the large amounts of fruits and toys mysteriously piled onto the back of Old Number Three, the locomotive that has served as a popular tourist attraction for the antique city.
“I reckon the smell of sugar plums will be gone by the end of the week,” said Sam Sterns, the owner of one of the many antique and craft stores in the area.
Sterns discovered several of the scarecrows on display outside her store had been moved around, but nothing had been stolen, she told HAN.
While Police Chief Bry Layrisson attempted to piece together the puzzle of one of the city’s most bizarre occurrences since an Italian-American was elected mayor, one resident claims to have witnessed a group of teenagers simply “pulling a practical joke” around 2 am last night.
This theory was immediately ruled out by Layrisson because city laws require all residents in bed by 9 pm and lights out by 9:30.
“The most plausible explanation is that the there was a big party with scarecrows and dancing clowns and giraffes and marching bands and wooden deer and pumpkin people and gum drops and and…,” exclaimed the police chief as he tried to catch his breath.
Layrisson’s enthusiasm was short lived as word of the so-called pumpkin patch party reached students in nearby elementary schools, whose demands for immediate field trips to the downtown area led to unrest.
The conflict reached new heights as rioting kindergarten students burned their unsigned permission slips on the playground.
Failed attempts by neutral intermediaries to settle an agreement between first graders and school faculty before the end of recess left the police chief no choice but to telephone parents, putting an end to the conflict.
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HAMMOND, Louisiana — Two local heroin users were awarded medals at city hall today to celebrate their recent acts of bravery which prevented a potential public relations disaster for Mayor Mayson Foster.
On Saturday afternoon, Hammond’s “Too Lovely To Litter” welcome sign was toppled by a gust of wind from its permanent spot on SW Railroad Avenue, putting the safety of drivers at risk and symbolically ridding the city of its “cleanest city” status.
Raymond LaJuel, 57, of S Spruce Street, and Barry Gutison, 40, of Lee’s Drive In garbage dumpster, were coming off an 8-hour-long heroin high on a public bench about 500 meters away at the time of the incident.
“When the two individuals heard the sign topple over, they proceeded to the area with caution,” read Mayor Foster at the ceremony today. “They headed southbound on Railroad Avenue, crawling on their hands and knees to avoid injury from flying projectiles, and leaving a visible trail of drool to provide emergency responders with a clear, safe route into the disaster zone.”
Half an hour later when the two men reached the sign, LeJuel got into the fetal position, positioning himself in the middle of the highway to divert traffic away from the area, while Gutison stripped down into his underwear next to the railroad track and attempted to flag down an oncoming Amtrak train.
A Hammond police officer arrived at the scene soon after, and he was able to return the sign to its original position.
“This is a Christmas miracle,” proclaimed Foster. “Thanks to these two individuals, Hammond is once again the cleanest city.”
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HAMMOND, Louisiana — Minutes after publishing its one-hundredth story early Thursday, Hammond Action News was ordered by a federal judge to remove the article for “putting the national security of the United States in danger.”
The article, titled “WIKILEAKS CABLES REVEAL SEXY HAMMOND SECRETS,” quoted several sensitive cables between Hammond City Hall and the Pentagon originally released by the whistle-blowing website WikiLeaks.
After receiving the court’s order, HAN permanently removed the web article, incinerated the hard drive with which its data was stored and wiped the memories of the writers who participated in its creation.
“Rest assured that the ‘article-which-must-not-be-named’ is gone forever,” said Parker Layrisson, the website’s attorney. “I don’t even know what article we’re discussing. Why are we here?”
The ex-story, which HAN cannot confirm the existence of, would have published cables that contained the following information:
- An area man was accidentally “beheaded” in a stunt-gone-wrong last month at the Renaissance Festival. “It took three strikes of the blade,” wrote a councilman in a cable to the Pentagon.
- Ken Benitez was cloned three times as part of a secret project in 1997, allowing him to interview multiple people in different areas of the parish at the same time.
- Despite changing the route of the Hammond Christmas Parade several times within hours of it starting, Secret Service agents struggled to ensure the security of Mayor Mayson Foster as he insisted on marching alongside members of the Hammond High JROTC with a loaded rifle.
- A taxidermal African Gazelle currently on exhibit at the Tangipahoa African-American Museum in Hammond was considerately donated by Global Wildlife after it’s third escape attempt from the center.
- When members of the Tangipahoa Parish Port Commission flew to Washington D.C. last October to meet with congressmen, one member found himself alone in New York City after accidentally boarding the wrong flight. He spent several nights at the Plaza Hotel using his father’s credit card until he was reunited with fellow commission members thanks to the help of a pigeon lady who lives in Central Park.
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HAMMOND, Louisiana — Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff Daniel Edwards has announced the seizure of several illegal laser-emitting guns after deputies stopped and searched a mini van suspiciously traveling 45 mph in a 45 mph zone.
The driver, Gareth Petero, (WM) 33 of Slidell, was booked at parish jail and charged with 2 counts of illegal possession of laser tag paraphernalia and 1 count of failure to operate a mini van at a speed much lower than the posted speed limit.
“Unfortunately laser crime has been on the rise over the past several months,” Edwards told HAN. According to Edwards, the upcoming addition of a new laser tag family fun center on SW Railroad Ave. will only spur more trouble for the community.
Edwards says residents can take a number of precautionary measures to reduce their risk of being victim to laser crime.
“Simple things such as parking in well-lit parking lots at night, reinforcing locks on doors at home, and not wearing laser tag vests in public can greatly lower your chances of suffering from a laser tag-related injury,” Edwards said.
Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster has also urged safety this holiday season, but he insists that following the sheriff’s “pea-brained cautionary measures” are not enough.
“I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anybody. Every single day that I’m mayor and sitting in that office, I’m packing a piece. Laser pistol. Infrared. Rechargeable. If its late at night and a guy spots me and thinks about popping a proverbial cap, he’ll see this and think again,” warned Foster.
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HAMMOND, Louisiana — Onlookers passing through the student union on the campus of Southeastern Louisiana University Monday morning were subjected to the cries of hundreds of detained squirrels set to be shipped north later this week to be sold into captivity.
The pilot program, which will save the university an estimated $500,000, could spell trouble for other small animals that call campus their home if the measures are adopted next semester.
“Think of all the nuts and pecans we’ll be able to sell by this time next year,” President John Crain told HAN, licking his lips. “A squirreless Southeastern could make us the largest exporter of walnuts in the South.”
While some have questioned the rationale of the program, the President maintains that the student body has offered no useful solution to the budget crisis.
“That’s simply not true,” states Joel Traygate, a sophomore majoring in general studies and a recipient of a full football scholarship. “I’ve written countless articles for The Lions Roar questioning the value of the English Department. It doesn’t produce results. One of my professors finished the semester 2-9 in getting his articles published.”
Traygate admits he will miss seeing the squirrels around campus. “Especially the ones that hang around the empty seats at Strawberry Stadium on game day,” he added.
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HAMMOND, Louisiana — Local firefighters were left scrubbing up muddy footprints off the concrete floor at Hammond Fire Station #3 as polls closed Tuesday evening after a rainy day in which voters failed to wipe their feet upon entry into the polling center.
“We’ve never had a problem using this fire station for elections,” said Mayor Mayson Foster, “but I think this time around voters were a little insensitive and bad-mannered.”
The firefighters say they intend to implement a new policy in which voters will have to take off their shoes—regardless of the weather—before entry in into the station.
“From now on, I don’t care how clean or dry your shoes are. Take them off before you enter,” said Assistant Chief John Abagublio, who revealed that throughout the day he constantly had to ask curious voters lingering around the station not to touch things that didn’t belong to them.
Abagublio said the city will have to cover the replacement cost of at least four plastic tables because volunteers failed to use coasters for their drinks. As for the folding chairs the volunteers negligently used as foot stools, “they can be recovered,” Abagublio asserted with optimism.
The volunteers, mostly senior citizens, have denied the claims made by the Assistant Fire Chief, but Mayor Foster reluctantly admitted that even he had witnessed a number of volunteers smoking inside the station, using a voter registration card as an ashtray, and flicking cigarette butts into a small pile behind one of the voting machines.
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PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — After a lifetime of dealing with the very sensitive issue, Mayor Bob Zabbia is having to sort out his personal struggle with Ponchatoula City Hall’s controversial “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
“Growing up I knew I was different than the rest of the kids,” Zabbia revealed to HAN in his first interview since making his Italian descent public last week. “My parents avoided my questions about the feelings I was having. Why do I feel different? Am I some sort of a freak that no one really knows how to react around?”
Zabbia finally admitted to “being of Italian background” in a written statement issued Friday evening, after mounting pressure from questions and rumors that had been circulating around Berrytown.
Paul’s Cafe, a morning hot-spot of community activists and public leaders, was buzzing this week about the fair mayor’s situation.
David Dufreche-Perrin, a childhood friend of Zabbia, told HAN, “Bobby was always a shy and introverted kid. He had some funny ideas about the games we should play at Ponchatoula Beach, but we figured ‘what the hell, we’re all friends.’”
The debate has emerged on whether the “don’t ask” policy will continue to be the hiring policy for Italians in City Hall, but an anonymous government employee reminded residents via the “fantasy politics” section of an online message board Tuesday, “The Mayor was not hired by city hall, he was elected. It’s my political fantasy that any policy change in this area leaves him unaffected.”
Meanwhile, Maureen Dufreche-Perrin-Pevey, self-appointed president of Ponchatoula’s “Keep’em Out Koalition,” says that Zabbia may pay the ultimate price at the ballot box in 2012. ”He has fooled us for the last time. I cant believe all these years we believed he was French.”
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AMITE, Louisiana — Afghan President Hamid Karzai’s new strategy in the troubled region of Tangipahoa Parish calls for the continued destruction of meth labs near the St. Helena border, although his top envoy to the area have called the practice counterproductive.
“It’s our livelihood,” said stay-at-home-mom Violet Brock, who in August was forced to abandon her thriving Fluker-based meth lab and adopt the more dangerous “shake and bake” mobile method of meth production.
The Afghan Government committed five hundred men to supervise parish elections last January, but troop numbers steadily escalated after a splinter group of the militant Jaish al-Mahdi pledged its loyalty to Parish President Gordon Burgess, who argues that meth labs are vital to the culture of Tangipahoa.
“Eradication has been a disaster,” said Obaidullah Omar of Kandahar University. “It has really antagonized the population.”
In June, Karzai pledged a troop increase of 15,000 men to the parish after farmers from the Loranger Province protested the Afghan-endorsed school board member-elect Brett Duncan by launching armed raids into the northern outskirts of Hammond.
Critics of the occupation have called for the Afghanistan Government to begin cooperative talks with corrupt officials. This idea was bolstered in early October after Al Link, school board member, admitted in a video recording sent to FPTV Channel 17 that he would be open to a new relationship with the east.
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