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January 18, 2012

GENTLEMEN MISSING AFTER CLUB CAPSIZES

AMITE, Louisiana — A stripper who abandoned her pole at The Mansion, Amite’s premier gentlemen’s club, has been placed under house arrest at her residence at the Utopia Mobile Home Park off Highway 16.

Mercedes Deplores, who easily weighs over 250 pounds, is currently under investigation for initiating a lap dance in blatant violation of the Mansion’s maximum lap dance weight allowance.

It is believed Deplores’ actions caused the club’s structure to fail, injuring at least fifteen customers.

Witnesses say they saw Deplores flee the building, leaving her young daughter, Briffney, behind in the club’s nursery. The 36 year old maintains that she was entertaining customers in the VIP lounge.

“I’ve been doing this for 25 years,” Deplores told a reporter from HAN, “You look like you’ve had a long day, baby. Let me help you relax.”

Deplores, who began her dancing career at St. Helena’s Oak Ridge Lounge before becoming a crowd favorite at Visions of Greensburg, says she has dreams of one day opening up her own club.

Meanwhile, search teams continue to look for the six missing men who are believed to be trapped somewhere beneath Mercedes Deplores’ buttocks.