100TH ARTICLE REMOVED DUE TO WIKILEAKS CONTENT
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Minutes after publishing its one-hundredth story early Thursday, Hammond Action News was ordered by a federal judge to remove the article for “putting the national security of the United States in danger.”
The article, titled “WIKILEAKS CABLES REVEAL SEXY HAMMOND SECRETS,” quoted several sensitive cables between Hammond City Hall and the Pentagon originally released by the whistle-blowing website WikiLeaks.
After receiving the court’s order, HAN permanently removed the web article, incinerated the hard drive with which its data was stored and wiped the memories of the writers who participated in its creation.
“Rest assured that the ‘article-which-must-not-be-named’ is gone forever,” said Parker Layrisson, the website’s attorney. “I don’t even know what article we’re discussing. Why are we here?”
The ex-story, which HAN cannot confirm the existence of, would have published cables that contained the following information:
- In 2009 the City of Hammond refused to grant political asylum to the abdicated King of Carpet.
- An area man was accidentally “beheaded” in a stunt-gone-wrong last month at the Renaissance Festival. “It took three strikes of the blade,” wrote a councilman in a cable to the Pentagon.
- Ken Benitez was cloned three times as part of a secret project in 1997, allowing him to interview multiple people in different areas of the parish at the same time.
- Despite changing the route of the Hammond Christmas Parade several times within hours of it starting, Secret Service agents struggled to ensure the security of Mayor Mayson Foster as he insisted on marching alongside members of the Hammond High JROTC with a loaded rifle.
- A taxidermal African Gazelle currently on exhibit at the Tangipahoa African-American Museum in Hammond was considerately donated by Global Wildlife after it’s third escape attempt from the center.
- When members of the Tangipahoa Parish Port Commission flew to Washington D.C. last October to meet with congressmen, one member found himself alone in New York City after accidentally boarding the wrong flight. He spent several nights at the Plaza Hotel using his father’s credit card until he was reunited with fellow commission members thanks to the help of a pigeon lady who lives in Central Park.
