GOLF CART SUICIDE MISSION STUNS COMMUNITY
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond resident Nuncio Bonfiglioni remains in police custody after a golf cart rampage yesterday which left damaged shrubberies, a burned-down plastic tool shed, and shocked locals in its wake.
Bonfiglioni posted an anti-government and banking manifesto on a web site in the early hours of Thursday morning before beginning what he described as a “final attempt to make those sons of b——-s sit up and take notice.”
After setting fire to a tool storage shed at his Crepe Myrtle Drive home, the 33-year-old software developer stole his neighbor’s golf cart and drove at top speed toward Southeastern’s campus.
He narrowly avoided mowing down students before driving into shrubs planted outside Southeastern’s business school. At this point, two Blackhawk helicopters of the Louisiana National Guard’s 244th Aviation Regiment were scrambled from Hammond Northshore Regional Airport.
The savage attack continued as Bonfiglioni careened across front lawns on his way downtown.
A number of students who bravely jogged alongside the golf cart quizzed the crazed driver as to his intentions. “The dude told me that he’d had enough,” freshman Kurt Spangler told HAN, “He said that losing all his retirement for the second time was the final straw, and he was gonna take out some big business types with him. By then I was whipped. I couldn’t keep up with him. He was going mad fast and s—t!”
Death, in the form of a bright red golf cart, stared locals in the face as Bonfiglioni plowed across Cate Square, past the post office, and against the traffic on Railroad Avenue before smashing into the Chamber of Commerce building.
Workers inside the building on West Thomas Street were swiftly evacuated as a dazed Bonfiglioni was taken into custody.
HAN received the following statement from the Department of Homeland Security: “While this incident is very disturbing, we have found no ties to any terrorist organization after a thorough investigation. This is the work of a single, embittered man. We would like to stress, however, the importance of golf cart security, especially golf carts kept in non-golfing environments. It is the work of seconds for trained terrorists to steal and convert a golf cart into a deadly suicide vehicle, as we have found to our cost in many retirement communities on the Florida Gulf Coast.”
Have your say! What do you think about unlicensed golf carts terrorizing our neighborhoods? Let us know!
5 months ago