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February 27, 2010

'DAMAGED' ALLIGATOR THREATENS LEGAL ACTION

PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Old Blue Eyes, Ponchatoula’s penned alligator which was at the center of controversy last fall, plans to file district and federal charges against Hammond Action News for past, present, and future damages the website has caused the popular tourist attraction.

On October 30, HAN reported that an alleged escape attempt by the Ponchatoula alligator had been foiled by state and federal law enforcement. “Hammond Action News failed to write a followup to this story,” wrote the alligator in a lengthy e-mail to HAN’s editor.

Weeks after what local authorities called “a great victory for our community,” a lengthy investigation conducted by UN inspectors proved the alligator’s innocence which led to its acquittal.

"Since the incident, the reputation of Old Blue Eyes has not been replenished," said an angry reader who also works for the City of Ponchatoula, "Visitor numbers are down, all because the sick people at HAN have branded this animal as ‘wild,’ scaring local kids who now refuse to go near the attraction.”

Legal experts agree the alligator is within its rights to pursue reparations, citing the famous case of Crichton v. Washington Parish School District, 7 F.3d 411 (3d Cir. 1993).

Makers of the adventure film Jurassic Park were sued for $8 million in damages after numerous school children were led to believe that the tyrannosaurus rex is a bloodthirsty dinosaur whose anger stems from a personal struggle and inner anguish caused by its inability to interpret right from wrong.

Longtime Ponchatoula resident Percy Donatelli is calling the alligator’s case “a longshot,” reminding the community that the alligator has had some unrelated legal problems of its own.

"We’ll have to wait and see," said an outraged HAN reader Caitlin Caprichino, “but I wouldn’t be surprised if this case makes it to the Supreme Court.”