VIOLENT DIARRHEA DOWN 25% AT STRAWBERRY FEST
PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Volunteer cleanup crews arriving at the site of last weekend’s Strawberry Festival were turned away and sent back to their nursing homes after event planners grossly overestimated the amounts of vomit and excrement accumulated on festival grounds.
Rescue workers searched porta-potties day and night for diarrhea, the precious resource that local strawberry farmers so desperately seek to use as fertilizer for next year’s strawberry crop.
“We’re obviously devastated,” one local farmer told HAN. “There is no doubt that this disappointment will have a crappy impact on production in 2012.”
The Abita Brewing Company, which uses Ponchatoula strawberries for its popular Strawberry Harvest Lager, promised to send at least twelve tons of St. Tammany’s finest excreta in an effort to aid the needful farmers, but the strawberry growers declined the offer.
“Shit from Mandeville and Covington has no odor,” explained Ponchatoula Mayor Bob Zabbia, “and it just doesn’t have the stink that our strawberries need.”
The Abita feces may not go to waste, however, as the Tangipahoa Parish School Board urged residents to accept the St. Tammany contribution for school use.
The proposed Poo Tax is on the April 30 ballot. If approved by voters, the donated waste will be used to construct bathrooms at Loranger High School, where outhouses have been the norm for the past seventy years.
1 year ago