HADRON COLLIDER REVEALS LOCAL SORORITY GIRL IS CENTER OF UNIVERSE
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Experiments with the $10 billion particle accelerator at the underground CERN laboratory in Switzerland have revealed that a Southeastern student is actually the center of the known universe.
Velvet Chimes-Warrington had long suspected that all matter and activity revolved around her toned and tanned frame, but confirmation from the team in Zurich has placed yet another accolade on an already sickeningly bloated resume.
HAN caught up with Velvet at Brady’s in downtown Hammond, where she was dining provocatively on a stick of celery.
“Oh. My. God. Isn’t it awesome!” cried Velvet, SELU Chapter President of Sigmo Fo sorority, “I can’t wait to tell daddy, but he’s in Bangkok right now, doing fact finding or something.”
She added, “I already posted it to my 6,573 friends on Facetube, and all my sisters here are totally stoked. I totally ordered new t-shirts with me on them. Mines pink and all the ordinary ones are white. Right now, everyone wants me to go party with the guys at Tai Kappa Bong. We are all so totally random. But I’m the randomist. Ask anyone.”
Aside from the regular activities of the sisters of Sigmo Fo, Velvet takes plenty of time out for fund-raising.
“In January they had this terrible earthquake in like Hawaii or someplace? So I put together like the best formal so that all the guys knew about it and stuff. That way it helped all those poor people not get plague or something. I was sooooo drunk, but like really cool drunk you know.”
Velvet was later seen to be standing on a table in the middle of the crowded restaurant waving her hands and squealing, “Hey check it out y’all! Look! Spirit fingers! Come on sisters! Spirit fingers!”
