NEW SELU JAZZ ENSEMBLE CD TARGETS TERRORISTS
HAMMOND, Louisiana — A local jazz orchestra has won a lucrative defense contract from the State Department, supplying a 45-minute jazz album which will be used to augment other interrogation techniques.
The Southeastern Jazz Ensemble’s contribution to national security will earn the university upward of $7 million, which will go a long way towards bolstering the school’s ailing finances.
With an upsurge of homegrown terrorist suspects, government security departments, including State, the CIA, and the Department of Defense, have been researching various information-gathering methods that remain within the law.
Senate Subcommittee Chairman Val Hagmire told HAN, “We’ve been looking for something that’s effective, easy to use in the field, and still keeps us out of the newspapers. The Jazz Ensemble’s fusion of bebop and avant-garde styles proves to be a fast and efficient intelligence extraction tool.”
Trials on volunteers from Delta Force and the Navy Seals showed that listeners became completely disorientated and confused within moments of the music starting.
Subsequent interrogation sessions required only the album artwork to be brandished in front of the subjects before effective questioning could begin. The CD, entitled “Breaking the Silence,” has proved twice as effective and half as messy as previous techniques such as waterboarding and electrotherapy.
The Southeastern orchestra fought off rival bids from other would-be contractors, including Toby Keith and the Scissor Sisters. Another close rival was local jazz musician Eddie Veach, whose EP entitled “Where’s it At?,” remained in contravention of the Geneva Accords.
