SEAGAL SUSPENDED, PARTIAL LAW DECLARED
AMITE, Louisiana — News of Steven Seagal’s suspension as Jefferson Parish Reserve Deputy Chief in the wake of sex slave allegations has led to a rapidly spiraling crime wave as the criminal fraternity came to realize the one man crime-fighting superstar had been taken off the streets.
As law enforcement in Jefferson became overwhelmed by the mass outbreaks of criminality, officials in Tangipahoa have been forced to declare Partial Law as the breakdown of law and order threatens to spread to the Northshore.
At a hastily-convened meeting in Amite, Parish President Gordon Burgess, flanked by his ever-so-fiercely-loyal Afghan bodyguards, declared that a state of Partial Law now existed in Tangipahoa, and until further notice he would be reassuming the rank of Field Marshall and all police leave was canceled.
Beleaguered police officers have called for help from reservists and ironically have pressed into service the star of a popular local reality show.
Ronald ‘Reptar’ Remand, star of FPTV’S Reptar: The Bail Bond Guy, has been aiding local law enforcement from his headquarters at Promised Land Pawn Gun Bail Bonds and Tattoo on Hwy 22.
Reptar spoke to HAN, “Yall know us from the TV. We are a close knit family of bail bondsmen who’ve been serving the area since 2003. We know who the bad guys are, and when we find ‘em we take ‘em down! That’s right man, we take ‘em down! And then my wife sits on ‘em. The good people of Tangipahoa can sleep safe knowing that folks like us are out there.”
HAN has received reports of emotional scenes as Sheriff Normand of Jefferson Parish called Seagal into his office to advise him of the pending suspension.
According to a witness to the ensuing conversation, “Sheriff Normand told Seagal that he was aware his unconventional policing style got results, but this time he had gone too far. He was going to have to ask him for his gun, badge, hands and feet. Seagal threw his gun and badge on the sheriff’s desk but refused to turn in his hands and feet. He told the sheriff he had been framed and pleaded that he be given just 48 hours to find out who the real ass-grabber was. The sheriff told him, ‘Okay Steve. You’ve got 48 hours. But you’re on your own. I can’t protect you.’ Man, it was just like one of his movies!”
Seagal was last seen threatening a bartender on the Metairie road in his quest for information about the real ass-grabber. He told the shaking man, “You better start talking buddy. I’m your worst nightmare, a demented egocentric B-lister with a badge.”
