CHARTER CABLE TOTALLY FUCKS MOON
HAMMOND, Louisiana — Following a bucket truck accident on Fagan Drive, Charter Communications now admits to “totally fucking up the moon” despite earlier reports from the cable provider suggesting the moon had only suffered a small chip to its upper corner.
Following subsequent questioning from federal agencies, Charter admitted that the moon was totally destroyed and large portions of it are now hurtling towards earth.
As early as Friday morning, residents reported smelling a strong parmesan-like odor which the EPA later confirmed to be caused by increasing levels of moon dust in the lower atmosphere.
Commentators cannot reach a consensus as to how much damage the earth will suffer, but most see the disaster as one of the more serious incidents the company has been involved with.
Charter officials remain at a loss to explain the incident but have suggested that the Anti-Moon Interference Switch on the bucket truck may have malfunctioned.
Federal and state officials held an emergency meeting at the stop light in Tickfaw yesterday evening, where Governor Jindal laid out his response to the disaster. “We have called in over 600 national guard troops, who armed with tennis rackets will bat smaller pieces of moon rock back into orbit as soon as they threaten to damage people, property, or wildlife,” said Jindal.
“In addition, we are covering as much of Louisiana as we can with trampolines. So far, over 700 acres have been covered, enabling chunks of moon rock to be bounced back into space. Volunteers are assembling at holding areas, where they will be trained in the reassembly of astral bodies before being shot into space on private space ships to stick the moon back together,” he exclaimed.
A spokesman for Charter told HAN, “The moon’s outage is just temporary. Normal moonlight and tidal activity will be resumed as soon as possible, but we would like the whole world to make sure there is an adult aged 18 or over at home between 2 and 6 pm on Thursday afternoon. Customers should also be aware that putting the moon back together is not cheap, so a monthly bill for basic will now be $9,055 as we cannot be expected to pay for it all.”
