HAMMOND ACTION NEWS

PEOPLE & PLACES: ROCKEFELLER'S RESTAURANT

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:32:00 -0600

with Shhwana and Sandra

Hey y’all. It’s been a good while since our last article. Sandra became a grandmother last October (her son adopted a chinese, I think). She’s been a busy memaw ever since. Plus I gave birth to a new kid a week or two ago.

To celebrate life, last weekend Sandra and I decided that a night out on the town was in order. GIRLS NIGHT! Y’all, it was so much fun. You wouldn’t believe.

At first we weren’t sure what we felt like eating. Sandra wanted tacos, and to be honest I had a real craving for some Catfish Charlie’s. That’s when I remembered hearing about Ponchatoula’s new Asian-Mexican-Louisiana-fusion restaurant!

The destination: The new and improved Rockefeller’s Restaurant in the heart of Tangi South.

Our lovely waitress, who was probably chinese, took our order. I made sure to pronounce every word slowly and loudly so she could understand.

We started the evening with some Eggrolls ($6.50), Chipotle Shrimp ($8.25), and something that our waitress recommended called Beef Tatonka N****** ($8.25). I was quite appalled by her crude language, but Sandra quickly reminded me that different cultures are offensive because they’re jealous of our freedom.

Our drinks were served in plastic Coke cups, and we were given paper napkins. This made us feel right at home and helped us relax despite all the foreigner waiters and waitress girls running around the place like the opening scene from The Lion King Movie.

Sandra had the Angus Bone-In Ribeye ($29) for her main course. Unfortunately, the restaurant was out of Cane’s sauce so Sandra had to resort to making her own by mixing ketchup with mayonnaise.

I couldn’t decide what to get! So I figured what the heck, I’ll order a few dishes for the table and give whatever I can’t finish to Sparky. I had the Pasta del Mar ($17 — a noodly pasta with real life shrimp), an order of Fish Tacos ($12), and the Spice Girl Sushi Roll ($11.25). What a treat!

We waited for our chinese girl to be out of sight before we headed for the door! Phew! Barely made it!

A little karaoke at the Ponchatoula Pub helped digest all that food!

See y’all round the Parish & God bless,

S&S

Send us your adventure to schwandra@hammondactionnews.com!

GENTLEMEN MISSING AFTER CLUB CAPSIZES

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 20:11:00 -0600

AMITE, Louisiana — A stripper who abandoned her pole at The Mansion, Amite’s premier gentlemen’s club, has been placed under house arrest at her residence at the Utopia Mobile Home Park off Highway 16.

Mercedes Deplores, who easily weighs over 250 pounds, is currently under investigation for initiating a lap dance in blatant violation of the Mansion’s maximum lap dance weight allowance.

It is believed Deplores’ actions caused the club’s structure to fail, injuring at least fifteen customers.

Witnesses say they saw Deplores flee the building, leaving her young daughter, Briffney, behind in the club’s nursery. The 36 year old maintains that she was entertaining customers in the VIP lounge.

“I’ve been doing this for 25 years,” Deplores told a reporter from HAN, “You look like you’ve had a long day, baby. Let me help you relax.”

Deplores, who began her dancing career at St. Helena’s Oak Ridge Lounge before becoming a crowd favorite at Visions of Greensburg, says she has dreams of one day opening up her own club.

Meanwhile, search teams continue to look for the six missing men who are believed to be trapped somewhere beneath Mercedes Deplores’ buttocks.

RUDDOCK MUSIC FESTIVAL TO RETURN IN 2012

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:37:00 -0600

RUDDOCK, Louisiana — An area businessman has announced that the ghost town of Ruddock will be host to three days of sex, drugs, and “some decent local cover bands” in August of next year.

The town last hosted its music and arts festival in 1969, when Hurricane Cameltoe wiped through the area, leaving a trail of destroyed tents and stages in its wake. Thousands of inebriated festival goers remained oblivious to the widespread destruction, but the music continued for two more days.

“Ruddock experienced a rapid population decline after 1969,” says Jimmy “Jackass” Henderson, a Hammond pub owner who is responsible for the festival’s revival. “These days, it’s just a place where Tangi people drive down to to huff some glue, drop off their broken washing machine, or have unprotected sex. We want to bring people back, but keep all this other shit around.”

Jackass admits that he and his staff have their work cut out for them until August. “We have yet to agree on the pronunciation of ‘Ruddock,’” he told HAN.

Rumored headliners include Mayson Foster and the Bout It All-Stars, Keymonster, and The Roches, who played at Ruddock in 1969.

“I want everybody to come out and celebrate local music,” continued Jackass, “and don’t forget to tip your bartenders. We’ll take photos of you to put on our website. You’ll love it.”

PROTESTORS OCCUPY TANGI SCHOOLS

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 10:46:00 -0600

HAMMOND, Louisiana — A group of 11 year old students at Hammond Westside Elementary School say they plan to occupy Mrs. Gilbert’s fifth grade class for the next several years as long as the current Tangipahoa School System power structure remains in place.

This news comes just days after kindergarteners at Champ Cooper refused to partake in afternoon nap.

After the tittering tots ignored several verbal requests to go to sleep, Superintendent Mark Kolwe gave Ponchatoula PD the OK to restore order in Ms. Raybeaux’s classroom.

Officers stormed the classroom, destroyed book bags, ripped up coloring books, and crushed glue bottles before physically forcing the five and six year old students to take their naps.

Raybeaux described the scene: “One by one, each tot was thrown violently to the floor. The officer would then plant his knee onto the back of the screaming child, beating the back of their head with a riot shield until they finally gave up and went to sleep.”

The action only lasted a few minutes, but Raybeaux said that by the end of it all, her students were all “sleeping like little angels.”

Raybeaux insists that all officers of the Ponchatoula Police Department followed classroom decorum throughout the operation.

D.A.R.E. OFFICER'S EQUIPMENT TO BE AUCTIONED OFF

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:52:00 -0600

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff Daniel Edwards has announced that “various tools and duty equipment” once belonging to his former D.A.R.E. officer will be auctioned off at a public meeting to be held in the Southeastern Lab School cafeteria tomorrow evening.

Former Deputy Bud Cason, who until now has dared to resist talking to the media since resigning from his position last March, revealed to HAN, “They found a bunch of my old policeman’s gear in the back of my old D.A.R.E. truck, so they’re going to sell it. I’ll hate to see that stuff go.”

A collection of rubber bullets designed for large-caliber guns, a used inflatable human target with three bullet holes, an 8 oz tube of water-based gun lubricant, an interrogation blindfold, and vibrating “noise canceling” ear plugs are among Cason’s items to be sold at auction.

SYSCO AIRLIFT DELIVERS SUPPLIES TO MARINERS INN

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 18:56:00 -0500

HAMMOND, Louisiana — A number of cargo planes dropped at least 10 tons of foodstuffs, alcohol, and various restaurant supplies onto the back patio of Mariners Inn after guards at the newly-constructed “Brady’s Wall” blocked off access to 18-wheelers.

The wall, an expansion of a fence which for years kept customers of Mariners out of the Brady’s parking lot, was erected “to prove that burgers on the east side of our block are better than those of the west,” according to a manager at Brady’s.

“When I ordered my kickin’ chicken there was no wall,” said one patron of Mariners, “but by the time our food arrived we were completely enclosed in. We had to apply for an exit visa when we were ready to leave. And on top of that we had to wait for the waitress to bring us the bill.”

Brady’s ownership has stated that anyone caught trying to enter Mariners without a permit will be shot. Permits are available at the bar on Thursday nights, which also happens to be College Night: An Authentic Irish Pub Experience.

Traffic on West Thomas Street has remained at a standstill since the wall’s completion late Tuesday. Mayor Mayson Foster says that beginning Thursday, all east-moving traffic on Morris Avenue will be permanently redirected westward to solve the issue.

“Basically we’re going to be having a bunch of traffic moving west with no real possibility of going east,” Foster said of his plan. “We want to encourage people to head out west.” he added.

BROADWATER CAMPAIGN SIGNS TO BE MADE PERMANENT

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 12:12:00 -0500

AMITE, Louisiana — The Tangipahoa Parish Council has approved a proposal to permanently preserve Chris Broadwater’s campaign posters after the October 22 election, no matter the outcome of his campaign to represent House District 86.

The proposal was the brainchild of Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster.

“I was so delighted with his poster’s design that I’d just hate to see them go,” said Foster, who proudly displays an original autographed copy of the poster in his own dining room.

“Those brown raccoon eyes get me every time,” Foster revealed to HAN.

Parish President Gordon Burgess was so tickled to death by Foster’s proposal that he plans to go to the Governor to see what steps must be taken to make Broadwater the official poster child of the entire State of Louisiana.

MAYOR: FLASH MOB DANCERS WILL BE SHOT

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 14:55:00 -0500

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond Mayor Mayson Foster today warned the public against participating in any sort of sudden or unexpected public dance routine ahead of tomorrow night’s 16th Annual Hot August Night.

“We’ll have sharpshooters placed on the top of the Columbia Theatre and other downtown buildings.” Foster told HAN. “Tomorrow night the usual rules of engagement will not apply. I’ve given my orders to the Chief, and those orders are ‘shoot to kill.’”

Foster’s warning is chilling, but he says it’s especially necessary after a flash mob rocked the campus of Southeastern Louisiana University on the first day of classes Wednesday.

Southeastern President John Crain believes an anti-drinking Christian fundamentalist campus ministry was behind “a sudden bombardment of fifty students uncontrollably jumping and gyrating to the beats of unwholesome European techno music” which resulted in the deaths of 18 students and 3 faculty members.

“Hot August Night usually provides a safe and friendly family atmosphere,” Foster continued, “and tomorrow will be no different. We’ve lost too many good men to just let a bunch of fruity kids who like to dance in unison take that away from us. Not on my watch.”

3 NOT ARRESTED IN BRAWL AT DOWNTOWN BAR

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 11:35:00 -0500

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Hammond Police Chief Roddy Devall has confirmed that three men are not in custody after allegedly failing to participate in a bar fight at the Brown Door early Saturday.

Devall says Charles Swate (W/M DOB 04.04.86), Mark Regent (W/M DOB 12.01.87), and Kevin Johnson (W/M DOB 08.15.87) will neither face first-degree assault charges, second-degree assault charges, nor disorderly conduct citations.

According to witnesses, the three men began the evening with their girlfriends at Painting with a Twist, a downtown establishment where customers paint pictures of fleur-de-lis while getting intoxicated.

“They were moderately buzzed when they showed up here around 11 p.m. for our annual ‘VD at the BD’ ladies night party,” the Brown Door’s bouncer told HAN. “I could smell hints of a light alcohol-like aroma on their breaths.”

The men each drank “at least two or three beers” before the bar’s regularly scheduled nightly brawl erupted shortly after 1:45 a.m., said Devall.

“The non-suspects then botched their chance to escalate the brawl further by fleeing outside while all forty-five of the bar’s remaining patrons succeeded in failing at their attempts of abstaining from participation in the fight,” Devall noted.

PRANK SHUTS DOWN SCHOOL BOARD BUILDING

Sat, 21 May 2011 11:28:00 -0500

AMITE, Louisiana — Sheriff Daniel Edwards has confirmed that three school board members are now the lead suspects in the vandalism of the Tangipahoa School System Central Office building earlier this week.

Custodians say they arrived to work Monday morning to find the building’s marble floors covered with hot, bubbling tar and “literally hundreds” of rolls of used toilet paper hanging from the Gothic-style ribbed vault ceilings.

“One of the golden toilets was removed from the Superintendent’s private chambers and cemented to the lobby floor,” Edwards added.

The Sheriff refused to release the identities of the three suspects, but comments made by Board Member Brett Duncan on his personal Twitter account may have led authorities to the vandals.

“Never seen Cohea, Al Link, and @SandraBSimmons69 look so nervous b4,” Duncan tweeted after investigators arrived at the scene on Monday.

The vandalism came just days after Federal Judge Ivan Lemelle repeatedly warned school board members not to participate in any pranks to celebrate the end of the school year.

ANTI-MAYONNAISE ORDINANCE REJECTED BY COUNCIL

Thu, 05 May 2011 20:00:00 -0500

HAMMOND, Louisiana — The Hammond City Council on Thursday evening rejected a proposal by Councilman Jason Hood that would have prohibited mayonnaise from being automatically placed on foods in restaurants located in the historic downtown district.

Mayonnaise has long been the default condiment on burgers and po-boys in local eateries such as Mariner’s Inn, Brady’s, and Lee’s Drive-In, leaving customers with no choice but to apply mustard and ketchup themselves.

“I always have to ask the waiter to leave off the mayonnaise,” said Hood, who is known for his slim figure and fierce bi-daily workout regimens. He insists that the high level of fat in mayonnaise is a dangerous risk to the community.

Representatives from churches were on hand at the meeting to dissuade the council from passing Hood’s measure.

“Just because he’s a health nut, he shouldn’t be enforcing his beliefs onto us,” said Randy Hiddick, a youth leader at Immanuel Baptist Church in Hammond. “Sure there are college kids who take it too far, but most of us enjoy mayonnaise in moderation.”

Hiddick said that thanks to the city council, he can “celebrate his Cinco de ‘Mayo’ the way it ought to be celebrated.”

VIOLENT DIARRHEA DOWN 25% AT STRAWBERRY FEST

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 10:56:00 -0500

PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Volunteer cleanup crews arriving at the site of last weekend’s Strawberry Festival were turned away and sent back to their nursing homes after event planners grossly overestimated the amounts of vomit and excrement accumulated on festival grounds.

Rescue workers searched porta-potties day and night for diarrhea, the precious resource that local strawberry farmers so desperately seek to use as fertilizer for next year’s strawberry crop.

“We’re obviously devastated,” one local farmer told HAN. “There is no doubt that this disappointment will have a crappy impact on production in 2012.”

The Abita Brewing Company, which uses Ponchatoula strawberries for its popular Strawberry Harvest Lager, promised to send at least twelve tons of St. Tammany’s finest excreta in an effort to aid the needful farmers, but the strawberry growers declined the offer.

“Shit from Mandeville and Covington has no odor,” explained Ponchatoula Mayor Bob Zabbia, “and it just doesn’t have the stink that our strawberries need.”

The Abita feces may not go to waste, however, as the Tangipahoa Parish School Board urged residents to accept the St. Tammany contribution for school use.

The proposed Poo Tax is on the April 30 ballot. If approved by voters, the donated waste will be used to construct bathrooms at Loranger High School, where outhouses have been the norm for the past seventy years.

Photo

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 12:25:42 -0500

JAPAN SENDS AID TO VANDALIZED DOWNTOWN AREA

Sun, 13 Mar 2011 12:28:00 -0500

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Japan is among a number of countries offering assistance to buildings in downtown Hammond which this week fell victim to sprayed graffiti classified by area teen rebels as 8.8 on the coolness scale.

At least 10,000 Japanese relief workers are expected to soon arrive at Cate Square to begin the long process of reversing the devastation.

The ongoing recovery of the vandalized Grace Memorial Episcopal Church was marred with controversy as modern art enthusiasts attempted to halt the clean-up of the historic building after an announcement was made by Hammond Police Chief Roddy Devall on Thursday.

Devall revealed that “some brilliant detective work” led local authorities to suspect that Verb, a world-renowned anonymous graffiti artist and political activist, was responsible for the vandalism.

“To erase this street art would deprive our city of an extremely valuable social expression,” said Morris Mamie, an associate professor of art at Southeastern Louisiana University.

Verb, who for the past several years has spray-painted celebrated works of street art on the walls of distinguished locations such as the Taj Mahal, Anne Frank House, and the International Space Station, tagged his trademark “VERB” signature on the vandalized buildings, Devall told HAN Sunday.

WHAT YOU DIDN'T SEE AT TANGI FASHION WEEK

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 18:49:00 -0600

HAMMOND, Louisiana — As haute couture’s biggest week got rolling, Northshore Regional Airport welcomed hundreds of A-list celebs as they poured into town.

They came to see what’s hot and what’s not, to see and be seen, and to fill their closets with the very best that high fashion has to offer.

When they’re asked Who are you wearing? at that next big Hollywood gala, you can be sure that they will be dropping the names of some of Tangi’s top designers.

HAN has been out and about, and aside from the stunning catwalk collections we’ve enjoyed, here’s a few of our favourite moments from the hottest fashion week of the year!

Our very own Britney Spears and Lady Ga Ga sharing a gallon of frozen custard at a downtown eatery.

Diddy and Beyonce giving a standing ovation to local designer Montee Lemon as he unveiled his new collection of urban wear, VISI-DRAWERS.

Mel Gibson talking advantage of two-for-one Tuesday at the Daiquiri Hut. Boy oh boy! Mel must have hollow legs. Those two gallons of pina collada with extra shots disappeared in a trice!

Travolta and Cage!!! They came to shop for sweaters but ended up in a fist fight as they sought to outdo each other, purchasing abandoned handicraft stores downtown.

Queen Latifa at Cate Street Seafood Station showing everyone the best way to deal with crabs.

HAN EXCLUSIVE: FIRST LOOK AT PUGH'S SEXY NEW KIDNEY

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 09:37:00 -0600

HAMMOND, Louisiana — When State Representative Steve Pugh announced last month that he is to receive a kidney transplant due to problems caused by high blood pressure, fans and journalists alike flocked to local hospitals to try to catch a glimpse of the lawmaker’s kidney-to-be.

“In 2011 old kidneys are out and a new kidney is totally in,” revealed Stevez Sonesta, local celebrity fashion and gossip blogger. “What a fabulous move by the congressman!”

Despite its recency, Pugh’s health situation has already had a big impact on the ongoing Tangi Fashion Week, but the latest trend is causing quite a headache for some.

“We worked throughout the night rebuilding the catwalks,” said one local carpenter, “to make them wide enough to accommodate the dialysis trolleys.”

The hard work paid off in the end, however, as catheter-clad models paraded down the runway with dialysis bags trailing close behind in front of a packed house at last night’s Benson Dermatology-sponsored fashion show at Ponchatoula’s Chesterton Square.

“The congressman has definitely caused quite a stir here this week,” said Parish President Gordon Burgess after the show, sporting a trendy cowboy hat, bolo tie, leather chaps and spurs.

Pugh will undergo the transplant later in the year after his re-election bid in the fall, coinciding with the launch of his new fragrance, Nephron for Him.

NOBEL PRIZE NOD FOR NEILL CORP BOFFINS

Sun, 20 Feb 2011 09:03:00 -0600

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Quirky, secretive, and downright cultish they may be, but Hammond’s own Neill Corporation, a major distributor of Aveda salon and beauty products, will be walking the red carpet at this year’s glittering Nobel Prize Award Ceremony.

One Bedico beauty biz insider told HAN, “The people in black have been doing amazing things with their new OKRA, SUMMER SQUASH AND WATERMELON CONDITIONER. The entire industry is stunned that this could mean an end to high humidity frizz as we know it!”

For the past seventeen months, secret testing has been taking place at various locations throughout Tangipahoa Parish.

Customers at one Pumpkin Center salon, Darleen’s Upper Cuts, Tan and Tattoo, had their tweets followed by industry scientists, and the buzz was soon viral. Neill Corp would be getting the Nobel Prize “Best Head” nomination.

Neill Corp declined a request for an interview with HAN, but off the record, a well placed source told us, “It’s good, it’s really good.”

They added, “The OKRA, SUMMER SQUASH AND WATERMELON POWERMAX NANOTECH ORGANIC CONDITIONER! is what women in the Gulf South have been waiting for, but don’t think for one minute it’s going to turn everyone at the dollar store into Myleene Klass….. ‘cos it sure as shit won’t.”

TANGI FASHION WEEK: FEB 19-26, 2011

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 14:40:00 -0600

JOIN HAMMOND ACTION NEWS IN CELEBRATING TANGI FASHION WEEK! This year’s theme is Flame.

In addition to daily fashion shows, the following BONUS events will also be offered:

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2011 11:30 PM: Celebrity kick-off party at The Buzz, Hammond’s hottest night club! HAN trend tip: volunteer firefighter is IN right now.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011 7:00 AM: Breakfast gala at downtown Hammond’s very own Yellow Bird Cafe. Followed by FREE bulimic session after-party, 7:30 AM, in the Yellow Bird’s bathroom.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2011 4:00 PM: Downtown Ponchatoula Fashion Stroll. Mayor Bob Zabbia is telling Tangi Fashion Week Ticket Holders that “modern is out and antique is in!” Come take a stroll in trendy downtown Ponchatoula and check out some fabulous old styles on display!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2011 ALL DAY: $11 headshots at Hammond DMV. $8 headshots at Amite DMV.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2011 2:00 PM: Garb Bazaar at Global Wildlife. The wonderful folks at the Uneedus-based animal sanctuary will be selling furs and hides at discounted rates! Don’t miss out!

So stay tuned to Hammond Action News all week for the latest coverage!

DOWNTOWN PONCHATOULA COMES TO LIFE

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 12:08:00 -0600

PONCHATOULA, Louisiana — Hay and twine covered the ground in downtown Ponchatoula early Monday as local officials were left scratching their heads at the large amounts of fruits and toys mysteriously piled onto the back of Old Number Three, the locomotive that has served as a popular tourist attraction for the antique city.

“I reckon the smell of sugar plums will be gone by the end of the week,” said Sam Sterns, the owner of one of the many antique and craft stores in the area.

Sterns discovered several of the scarecrows on display outside her store had been moved around, but nothing had been stolen, she told HAN.

While Police Chief Bry Layrisson attempted to piece together the puzzle of one of the city’s most bizarre occurrences since an Italian-American was elected mayor, one resident claims to have witnessed a group of teenagers simply “pulling a practical joke” around 2 am last night.

This theory was immediately ruled out by Layrisson because city laws require all residents in bed by 9 pm and lights out by 9:30.

“The most plausible explanation is that the there was a big party with scarecrows and dancing clowns and giraffes and marching bands and wooden deer and pumpkin people and gum drops and and…,” exclaimed the police chief as he tried to catch his breath.

Layrisson’s enthusiasm was short lived as word of the so-called pumpkin patch party reached students in nearby elementary schools, whose demands for immediate field trips to the downtown area led to unrest.

The conflict reached new heights as rioting kindergarten students burned their unsigned permission slips on the playground.

Failed attempts by neutral intermediaries to settle an agreement between first graders and school faculty before the end of recess left the police chief no choice but to telephone parents, putting an end to the conflict.

LOCAL JUNKIES REWARDED FOR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 16:38:00 -0600

HAMMOND, Louisiana — Two local heroin users were awarded medals at city hall today to celebrate their recent acts of bravery which prevented a potential public relations disaster for Mayor Mayson Foster.

On Saturday afternoon, Hammond’s “Too Lovely To Litter” welcome sign was toppled by a gust of wind from its permanent spot on SW Railroad Avenue, putting the safety of drivers at risk and symbolically ridding the city of its “cleanest city” status.

Raymond LaJuel, 57, of S Spruce Street, and Barry Gutison, 40, of Lee’s Drive In garbage dumpster, were coming off an 8-hour-long heroin high on a public bench about 500 meters away at the time of the incident.

“When the two individuals heard the sign topple over, they proceeded to the area with caution,” read Mayor Foster at the ceremony today. “They headed southbound on Railroad Avenue, crawling on their hands and knees to avoid injury from flying projectiles, and leaving a visible trail of drool to provide emergency responders with a clear, safe route into the disaster zone.”

Half an hour later when the two men reached the sign, LeJuel got into the fetal position, positioning himself in the middle of the highway to divert traffic away from the area, while Gutison stripped down into his underwear next to the railroad track and attempted to flag down an oncoming Amtrak train.

A Hammond police officer arrived at the scene soon after, and he was able to return the sign to its original position.

“This is a Christmas miracle,” proclaimed Foster. “Thanks to these two individuals, Hammond is once again the cleanest city.”